Israel arrests all Arab governments
21 Aug 2006 by Adam Tan
In a dramatic bid to alter the Middle East's political landscape, Israel last night announced that it had succeeded in apprehending the governments of virtually every Arab state, as well as the Palestinian Authority. "We left Kuwait alone, because we have to get our oil from somewhere," explained Israel's embattled Defence Minister Amir Peretz.The flood of hapless ministers and staff threatened to overwhelm the already overstretched Israeli penal system. "We may have to send some of these guys to Gitmo," said a source involved in planning the unprecedented operation.
Reaction from the Arab world was muted. "Basically, it's been pretty quiet," the source said. "We had hoped to hear ransom offers or something, but nobody really seems to miss them." The source said he could "neither confirm nor deny" reports that someone had offered "a bag of top quality hash" for Syrian President Bashar Assad.
American Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice immediately offered her congratulations to Israel for "striking a bold and decisive blow for democracy" in the region. "We, like the Israelis, have longed believed in the transformative powers of mass incarceration," Rice told a group of reporters, adding that "we are today witnessing the afterbirth of the new Middle East."
Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad reacted harshly to Israel's move, telling a crowd of cheering supporters that "if we ever figure this damned nuclear thingie out, they'll be in really big trouble". Ahmadinejad then gave a toll-free number to call "if anyone out there knows anything about uranium enrichment".
However, the arrests may actually benefit Iran, according to Douglas Ramsbottom, professor of conflict exacerbation at Yale University. "Iran may finally achieve the Islamic leadership role it has long sought now that the vast majority of Muslim governments have been clapped in irons," Ramsbottom said.
No-one from the Israeli government was available to comment.
