Chancellor slams sinister Scottish cult
27 Aug 2006 by Perry Como
In comments that have sent shockwaves through Westminster, the Chancellor announced last night that he is the direct descendant of an aristocratic bloodline of Britishness. In a speech to The Henley Croquet Association Mr Brown said: "For too long the need for a renewed sense of Britishness has been held up by the people of Scotland persisting in being Scottish in a place that they stubbornly keep referring to as Scotland." The Chancellor's candid remarks are widely thought to be a calculated effort to quell rumours that he too is Scottish. In an exclusive interview with the Mail on Sunday, Mr Brown revealed that he "was raised by a guardian who was not a minister of the Church of Scotland but was in fact the Chairman of the British Lawn Tennis Association."
The Chancellor insisted that the secrecy was necessary because he is "a direct descendant of Charles Futtock-Bexley, First Marquis of Albion". Mr Futtock-Bexley, the Chancellor explained, was the originator of a distinguished blood line of Britons that has included such luminaries as Admiral Lord Nelson, Winston Churchill and Christopher Biggins.
In a further astonishing revelation Mr Brown stated: "There is a secret 'cult in kilts' called 'Ochaye Thinoo' that has infiltrated every part of the British establishment and has successfully conspired to rule the country for generations. Under the cover of darkness they congregate at the tombs of Harry Lauder and Jimmy Logan to perform all kinds of sickening rituals."
Although Mr Brown refused to provide any further details, a source close to the Chancellor revealed that participants ingest haggis through their nostrils and self flagellate with the entrails of Highland cattle to the incantatory strains of "Bonnie Wee Jeannie McCall".
An ebullient Chancellor is looking forward to perpetuating the bloodline of the Futtock-Bexleys. "Renewed Britishness is like a renewed set of teeth," he said, grinning broadly. "It is something straight, white and not afraid to bite." The expectant father also happily confirmed that his wife Sarah receives twice daily injections of liquidized roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.
In a new development in the story DeadBrain can also reveal that Home Secretary John Reid is a suspected Grand Master of 'Ochaye Thinoo'. A former associate of Dr Reid claims that the Home Secretary regularly engages in masochistic rituals of penance that are thought to be practised by members of the cult. "On more than one occasion I have witnessed Dr Reid repeatedly bring his bared buttocks into contact with thistles while scorching his skin with deep fried Mars bars," he said.
When asked about the allegations, a prickly Home Secretary invited this reporter to "go awa an' bile yir heid".
