Nasrallah admits war resulted from "clerical error"
28 Aug 2006 by Adam Tan
Hezbollah leader Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah admitted yesterday that the kidnapping of two Israeli soldiers, which sparked over a month of bloodshed in Lebanon, was an "accident caused by a clerical error." Nasrallah said that he meant to order the Hezbollah platoon in question to pick up a couple of pizzas because he and his staff had "a bad case of the munchies". In what would prove to be a tragic misprint, the unit's orders mistakenly contained the phrase "Israeli soldiers" where the word "pizza" should have appeared. "The man responsible has been put to an unspeakable death," Nasrallah assured listeners on an Al-Manar radio broadcast last night.Israel immediately denounced the statement as a "transparent fabrication". "We dismantled every pizza shop in southern Lebanon during the last occupation," said embattled Israeli Defence Minister Amir Peretz as he dodged volleys of rotten fruit at a news conference earlier today. "There is no chance Nasrallah's story could be correct."
However, multiple Israeli defence sources confirm that several pizza establishments had been constructed since the Israelis withdrew their troops in 2000. "Our intelligence services blew it once again," said a senior Army officer who asked not to be identified. "It now appears there were at least three dozen pizza places in operation south of the Litani River prior to the most recent invasion," the officer told DeadBrain. He added bitterly, "We still haven't razed them all."
Nasrallah's attempted explanation is the clearest indication to date that Hezbollah is coming under pressure for provoking the worst spate of violence the strife-torn region has seen in years. "Nasrallah basically succeeded in getting half of his supporters' homes pulverized," explained Professor Douglas Ramsbottom, director of the Centre for the Bloody Obvious at King's College, Oxford. "This is a record of spectacular incompetence that even George Bush has thus far been unable to match," he added.
Nasrallah's admission has caused further tensions within the European peacekeeping force bound for the conflict zone. France has demanded "clear instructions" that all remaining pizza shops in the area "are to be destroyed". Italy, which is contributing a substantial number of troops to the force, has announced it will "suspend participation" in the effort if the French position prevails. At press time Gregory Mullet, the UN's assistant secretary for culinary relations, informed DeadBrain that a solution "was not in the immediate offing".
