Government takes babies off the menu for lardy ladies
30 Aug 2006 by Sir Charles Cheese-Cake
Porky women in the UK have been told to forget getting pregnant until they've learned to stop sticking their chubby fingers in so many pies and generally scoffing too much. A government decree, issued today by President Blair, has advised the NHS to refuse fertility treatment to tubby wannabe-mums on the grounds that it would 'only make them even fatter than they already are'."Thankfully most fat females are less likely to get pregnant than women who aren't greedy," said a health minister in between puffs of a cigarette. "This is most likely due to the difficult mechanics involved during any attempt at conception. Boffins have also highlighted the fact that should a plump person conceive, the average foetus then has to compete for space with 14 extra-large pizzas, 63 Big Macs and 28 KFC family buckets during gestation. Invariably the mother's appetite proves the stronger-willed of the two and her inflated stomach expands yet further, squashing the baby to death before it gets the chance to see what the inside of Matalan looks like."
The government have also uncovered alarming evidence that some enterprising roly-polys have managed somehow to engage the services of kindly, yet naive doctors, in their pursuit of children.
"We think these enormous women frighten the doctors into helping them, possibly using intimidation tactics what with their size and everything or by using lies about their comfort eating leading to depression," said someone at some point.
One GP, who earns much more than you or me, said that he had been besieged in recent years by the demands of broody big-boned women:
"They take up so much room in the waiting room for a start," he moaned whilst sipping a Singapore Sling aboard his luxury yacht, "and then, after they've squeezed through the door, they moan about how awful their life is. They're just not happy unless they've got one in the oven. I tell them to stop eating but I think their ears must be clogged up with fat 'cos they don't listen. Where will it end?"
