Exclusive: Home Office to examine babies for obesity, smoking, other defects

3 Sep 2006

Not content with examining foetuses to see whether they might one day go shoplifting, the government is planning to examine the recently born for other defects, such as the potential to one day be obese, watch Big Brother or vote Conservative, DeadBrain has learned.

A secret memo, obtained exclusively from John Reid's desk under circumstances our reporter is not at liberty to disclose, outlines the Home Office's proposed tests, which would be carried out immediately after birth. DeadBrain reprints the following extract without further comment.

Defect	Telling signs
Might one day be fat	Does it look a bit chubby? Are its parents obese? Does it look anything like John Prescott?
Secret child of minister	Is one of its 'parents' a Whitehall secretary? Does it look anything like John Prescott? (The words 'Call Home Sec.' have been added in red pen and ringed.)
Possible reality television viewer	Are its eyes a bit square? Are its parents stupid?
Possible Conservative voter	Is any of it a bit blue? Take blood samples if necessary.
Possible Gordon Brown fan	(This part of the memo has been angrily scribbled out, with the word 'KILL' written at one side, apparently in John Reid's hand.)
Possible Menzies Campbell fan	N/A
Possible smoker	(Again, this part was scribbled out. 'Don't care.' was written next to it.)
Might stand around on street corners in a gang	Short legs Long legs Baseball cap
Might not pay TV licence	Shifty eyes (parents and baby)
Might take illegal drugs	Nose looks like Daniella Westbrook's (see attached picture) Parents are high Has spliff in mouth
Might drink in an alcohol demilitarisation control area while wearing a baseball cap after 9pm	Has baseball cap Parents are pissed Baby is pissed
Might claim asylum	Looks a bit foreign Doesn't support England at cricket Doesn't speak English ('Get rid ASAP.' was written in the margin.)
Possible future terrorist	Semtex Hair gel Baby food Beard