Northern Ireland talks fail as Ian Paisley explodes
5 Aug 2006 by PlasticJesus
The Sir Reverend Professor Paisley the Mighty, aged 81, suffered a catastrophic explosion early this morning during discussions regarding the commencement of the Northern Ireland Stormont assembly.As the fiery cleric stood screaming "never, never, never" to the collected representatives - many of whom he accused of "fornication with the anti-Christ" - he grew an increasingly deep red colour before exploding into a spectacular inferno. Onlookers and fellow assembly members were showered with flaming tissue, which caused shock and minor burns but no further loss of life.
Doctors have stated the cause of death as "an unprecedented rise in internal pressures brought about by excessive rage leading to catastrophic ruptures and the ignition of bodily fluids".
The incident occurred during debate with Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams over controversial issues such as the annual catholic hunt and the right of police brutality. A colleague of Paisley told DeadBrain, "We always knew the old boy might blow one day, sometimes you can tell when the pressure is building up, his cheeks turn red, his voice rises in pitch, his eyes look like they're about to pop out."
He added: "It is little wonder that he was angry after our quite reasonable demand that representatives of nationalist parties stand outside the building and whisper their opinions through the window was rejected."
The Right Reverend has been a notable but controversial leader of Northern Ireland's currently most popular political party. It is unknown what affect this power vacuum will have on Northern Ireland but commentators have suggested that this may lead to a power struggle amongst the unionist parties.
Billy Ramsbottom, the DUP's spokesman on sectarian graffiti, said, "What we must not allow is for our enemies to use this as an opportunity to undermine the great work the Democratic Unionist Party has done. Enemies such as the Ulster Democratic Party, the Democratic Ulster Party and the Unionist Democratic Party have already begun to churn out ignorant, bigoted, sectarian rhetoric in an attempt to win votes. Letting them engage with us would only make things worse."
