Boris Johnson forced to apologise again
"It was all a bit of tomfoolery," the tousled-haired cyclist lamented this week. "I said some things about Papua New Guinea and how there were a bunch of chaps hopping around there who weren't averse to eating other chaps. Now everyone wants to get in on the action."
Ambassadors from Guinea Bissau, Surinam and the Marshall Islands have all written to Conservative Central Office pointing out that they have yet to have their names blackened and asking for Mr Johnson to be put in charge of foreign affairs.
"With this sort of coverage, we'd be really on the map when it comes to attracting tourists and fans of Boris," said Attractiva Attractica, the blonde ambassador of Liechtenstein, licking her lips in anticipation. "We want Boris to be made foreign secretary when the Tories, led by SAS officers, storm No 10 on June 1st next year and overwhelm Gordon Brown in Tony Blair's pre-arranged coup. Oh, have I let something slip there? Anyway, let's have Boris as foreign secretary. He'd be as good as Dubya."
"I'm exhausted," said the blonde, Eton-trained love god. "It reminds me of those wistful days on the Spectator when we didn't know where the next glorious cock-up was coming from next. There are more women importuning me than ever before. Makes one nostalgic and rather heady, really."