Fruit and veg vandalised in Jamie Oliver 'revenge' attacks
14 Sep 2006 by Georgie P
Dead carrots with their tops cut off and mutilated chicken wings have been found in school canteens across the country, sparking concern that enemies of Cockney-character chef Jamie Oliver are attempting to sabotage his "no chips for chavs" policy."It's well shocking," said the soon-to-be-knighted cheeky chappie. "I mean, like, my campaign is pukka and this friggin' ain't."
Teachers described scenes at schools as "shocking" and "like goulash". One teacher at a primary school at Walton-on-the-Naze said: "We had to usher the kids out of the way. There was mango everywhere. All we could do was make a fruit salad. It was most upsetting."
Police said they would investigate what has been dubbed by underworked but highly imaginative cops as the "Fresh fruit and veg massacre" but highly placed sources say they are pointing fingers at fast food establishments.
"One eyewitness claims he saw a six-foot-tall man, dressed in a bright red wig, wearing a red nose, a stripy t-shirt and yellow overalls planting squashed turnips at a school gate," said PC Bucket O'Lard. "It may be tricky to find him but we'll leave no Whopper-with-cheese uneaten...err, sorry...stone unturned to catch the culprit.
"Of course we can't rule out other celebrity chefs who haven't been seen on TV since Mr Oliver obliterated all other cooking programmes from the airwaves. But I can't really see Delia slipping in to schools in the dead of the night to smuggle mangled marrows into lockers, can you?"
"It's like what those bastards in Australia did to the stringrays who got Steve Irwin," said Gregoria T. Mulletta, a distraught dinner lady. "We're just trying to feed the kids good food. God only knows what they'd have done if we'd put tofu on the menu."
A public memorial will be set up by the grateful nation to St Jamie next week.
