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29th November
Updated from time to time

Heather Mills 'hopping mad' at tabloids

Heather Mills is to take legal action against three British newspapers after they printed several stories that didn't mention her charity work or what a thoroughly warm, friendly and nice person she is.

The Geordie gold-digger, who DeadBrain would like to point out has wonderfully gifted lawyers, is currently embroiled in a messy divorce from ex-sugardaddy, Sir Paul McCartney. The greedy ice maiden is reportedly hopping mad after her aforementioned solicitors leaked her allegations of abuse at the hands of her pensioner husband to the tabloids. The leak was widely believed to be a massive PR failure for Mills, irreparably affecting her (ahem) standing, and denting her life-long dream of getting her hands on all of Paul's cash:

"She was kicking herself when she learned of the leak," said an aide, "then obviously she fell over."

But friends of the money-hungry litigant claim the former biped is putting her best foot forward in the wake of the damaging leak and has vowed to bring The Daily Mail, The Evening Standard and The Sun to their knees.

Sir Paul, 87, has vowed to vigorously to defend himself against Heather's claims he came home drunk and beat her:

"There was only one legless person in our relationship," said the former Beatle, "and it wasn't me. I'll have my day in court, and she can foot the bill there's no way I'm stumping up any more cash."

Some of Ms Mills' spurious claims against Sir Paul include:

  • After undergoing reconstructive surgery on her previously amputated leg, McCartney would not allow Mills to keep a bedpan near the bed, claiming there wasn't enough room for hers as well as his.

  • McCartney subjected Mills to four violent attacks, including stabbing her in the arm with a broken jar of Ovaltine. He proceeded to remonstrate with the respondent, arguing with her over who got use of the wheelchair.

  • Ms Mills was forced repeatedly by McCartney to listen to old Wings records (Stop it, this is getting too gruesome. Ed.).
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