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17th April
Updated from time to time

High steaks in race to create first human/cow hybrid

A parliamentary steering group has given bonkers scientists with nothing much better to do the go-ahead to create the world's first human-cow embryos.

"We think it's a veally good mooooooove," said a crazed boffin with mad hair, "and we're going to milk it for all it's worth. Anyway imagine never needing to wear a leather jacket ever again how cool would that be?"

However, McDonald's has voiced surprise and concern at the proposals: "Pull the udder one - that is the craziest idea I've ever herd," said an enormous spokesman in between mouthfuls. "People who are part cow won't be able to eat in our restaurants as they'll be accused of cannibalism."

Animal rights nutters meanwhile have vowed to halt the experiments, causing security at various laboratories to be beefed up. "Yeah, we've had the usual threats already," said a defiant scientist, "but we will not kowtow to these do-gooders who try and obstruct medical progress."

Leading politicians have also been giving their opinions on the move.

Tory leader Dave Cameron appeared to be against the idea. "What a load of old bull!" exclaimed the ladies' favourite. "This will create people who produce far too much methane which will be bad for the environment. There's enough hot air about as it is. Especially in the House of Commons."

"Human cows?" asked Tony Blair. "I've been married to one for twenty years."

"I don't have time to give you an interview now," said Gordon Brown, "you'll have to ask my secretary to put some time in my dairy. I mean diary."

"Yummy," said John Prescott, "where's the Yorkshire puddings?"

"Where am I?" asked Menzies Campbell.

DeadBrain apologises for the corny gags employed in this article.
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