Litvenenko murder: Pete Doherty arrested
30 Nov 2006 by Sir Charles Cheese-Cake
Police probing the death of dead Russian former ex-spy Alexander Litvinenko have arrested potty Pete Doherty. Experts with long strokey beards have reportedly found traces of radioactivity at 12 locations including two British Airways aircraft, an easyJet 737, both Thames and Highbury Magistrates Courts, a second-hand shop in Hackney, four pubs, Pentonville Prison, The Priory and a crack den in Brixton."All these places have been frequented by Doherty," said a police source, "and what with his track record with illegal chemicals we're pretty sure we've got our man."
Home Secretary Dr John "Goldfinger" Reid told Parliament that Doherty - or Pietr Dohertski as he is now known - was being held in his usual cell pending further police enquiries and a break for a nice cup of tea and some lovely donuts.
The Health Protection Agency said the entire Metropolitan police force had been referred to a specialist clinic for tests as they are all believed to have arrested the crack-fiend at least once. Several prison warders and a couple of tabloid journalists have also phoned in sick recently although it's believed no-one in the music industry has been affected.
Mr Litvinenko, an ex-KGB officer until he died, and a fierce critic of crap music, died last week of radiation poisoning.
A coroner said the level of polonium-210 in Mr Litvinenko's system indicated it had come from a source "other than a natural one" and immediately pointed the finger at Kate Moss's wayward boyfriend.
The home secretary said that more locations could be screened for radiation and reports have just come in that all branches of Oxfam are to be tested immediately.
An NHS spokesman said: "The advice we have been given so far is that the health risk to anyone who has come into contact with Dohertski is deemed to be low, as long as they were wearing earmuffs."
By midnight on Wednesday, NHS Direct had received 1,707 calls from concerned members of the public who thought they may have listened to Dohertski's music by mistake. Thankfully most had in fact just heard their neighbours' cat wailing in the middle of the night - a hideous, yet non-harmful noise commonly mistaken for Dohertski's 'songs'.
