Home Secretary launches inquiry into number of inquiries
11 Jan 2007
The Home Secretary today promised a new inquiry into the Home Office's failure to meet government targets on the number of inquiries. Under guidelines imposed by the Chancellor "to make Reid look bad so he won't be able to run for leader", the Home Office must initiate at least three inquiries a week into "matters related to its general incompetence".However, over the Christmas period the Home Office fell behind as civil servants took time off from hiding criminal records in boxes marked "for incineration" and ministers returned home. Just four inquiries were launched between 22 December and 2 January: one into how photocopies of somebody's arse were stuck up on notice boards, one into how the glass on a photocopier was cracked (the two are thought to be related), one into how a photocopy of what is believed to be the same arse ended up in the red ministerial box of John Reid (who later denied having seen it), and one into the appearance of a Hitler-style moustache on the official portrait of Dr Reid, which hangs in the foyer.
Two members of staff were promoted to better paid jobs elsewhere as a result of the inquiries.
Speaking in the House of Commons yesterday, Dr Reid said that he had had no idea how few inquiries there had been recently. "Had I known," he told MPs, "I would have acted." To remedy the situation, the Dr Reid announced the following inquiries, each of which will report sometime within the next 6-18 months:
- An inquiry into the number of inquiries
- An inquiry into the number of inquiries that have been forgotten about
- An inquiry into the number of inquiries that Dr Reid requested he not be told about in the first place
- An inquiry into the quality of carpet in Dr Reid's office
- An inquiry into the disappearance of Dr Reid's lunch last Thursday
- An inquiry into the appearance of Dr Reid's false teeth on eBay
- An inquiry into the provision of tea and biscuits at inter-departmental meetings (Dr Reid is said to be concerned that the Home Office's standard provision of three bourbons and a pink wafer between six might appear extravagant next to the Treasury's strict allocation of one rich tea biscuit, per room, per week, and no milk)
- An inquiry into the large discoloured patch on Dr Reid's official portrait in the Home Office foyer
