Entire British Isles reclassified as open prison
11 Jan 2007 by Sir Charles Cheese-Cake
Great Britain is to be officially re-branded as an open prison, the alleged government has announced. All convicted criminals are to be given a free lift home from court following sentencing, so as not to breach their human rights. The bold new move comes after several daring escapes by nasty felons who had decided not spend their sentence behind bars."We think this measure will save our guards from having to endanger themselves guarding convicts and ne'er-do-wells," said someone, somewhere at some point, "and as a result, it will make our prisons amongst the safest in Europe, largely because there are no prisoners in them anymore."
"This is serious," said Dr John Reid, who claims to be Home Secretary, "and with all seriousness I take this as seriously as a very serious thing indeed."
The MP also took time out from a busy tea break to announce another inquiry into the release of hundreds of dangerous rapists, killers, thieves and Jeffery Archer back into the community.
"Understandably people are worried," the Scot commented, "Archer is rumoured to be planning a new book."
Reid, who was once sacked from a managerial role at a brewery after failing to organise a small-scale drinking session, is not thought to be worried about losing his job as all the other cabinet ministers have already been Home Secretary.
Meanwhile, the Home Office has been inundated with a call after it set up a hotline for anyone with information on the whereabouts of escaped criminals. "A warder in Parkhurst thought he'd seen a con in D-wing," said a failed asylum-seeker who now works at the Home Office, "but it turned out to be just another warder."
The Home Office has now decided to start an FBI-style "Most Wanted" website – it's thought they'll have the names of all those on the run in the UK entered on to the site by 2012.
