Bird Flu story epidemic imminent
17 Jan 2007 by Alex
In a frank warning to the British people, the Press Complaints Commission's Director of Issuing Warnings today warned of the many warnings about bird flu that the country was about to be warned about.In a hermetically sealed press conference hastily arranged in the "SnowflakeZ" function room at Hemel Hempstead dry ski slope, Mr Gregory T Mullet outlined his dystopic vision of the future. "There is a very real possibility that an outbreak of epidemic proportions is about to overcome the newspaper and 24-hour rolling news services in this country," he said.
"All the early indicators are that this season stories about Bird Flu will wipe out millions of other news items. We are especially concerned about the vulnerability of the young and old stories in our communities, and those already compromised by poor immunity to public indifference. Thousands of items and bulletins from such diverse backgrounds as the war in Afghanistan, Donny Tourette's loutish behaviour, and how to live a sustainable lifestyle will be powerless to resist scaremongering and conjecture on the kind of scale we are predicting."
Mr Mullet pointed towards evidence coming out of the Far East where stories about Avian flu were already beginning to take hold. "These stories may soon become able to mutate to a more deadly strain that can be passed directly between different forms of media. Already we have seen stories pass from tabloid to broadsheet, from Fox to BBC News 24, with barely a single alteration in their genetic make up."
Experts say that if these strains manage to infect other forms of media such as the internet, topical discussion programmes, and even mobile phones, this new multi-platform story could lead to devastation not seen since the death of Diana Princess of Hearts.
"And you only need to take a peek at the Daily Express to see the long term consequences of this kind of disease," Mr Mullet added. Following a number of complaints, a spokesman for the Press Complaints Commission later stated that Mr Mullet's comments "were not meant to be taken literally" and strongly advised the general public against taking any kind of peek at the Daily Express.
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