News Satire Spoof Parody Humour David Blunkett
4th May
Updated from time to time

Big Brother latest: Jade Goody protests spread worldwide

Protests against Jade Goody have spread worldwide following her admittance to the Big Brother House under the Anti-Terrorism Act. Effigies of the Celebrity [sic] Big Brother contestant have been burned in India, a huge pile of horse manure (previously on display in the Louvre) has been set alight in Paris after a number of internet users accidentally visited her official website, and in Rio de Janeiro locals used the sighting of a woman who looked vaguely like Ms Goody to start several riots. So far 28 people have died worldwide.

The Goody row has also dogged Gordon Brown's visit to India, forcing aides to explain to him what Big Brother is, followed shortly after by what Channel 4 is. Sources say they are still working on an exact definition of Jade Goody.

Fellow housemates, oblivious to the global chaos she is causing, have also hit out at Ms Goody. Former beauty queen Danielle Llloyd said, "She [Goody] should just go home. She can't even speak English properly."

As a result of the controversy, Ms Goody's own brand of mouthwash is to be withdrawn from Boots. A spokesman for the high street chain said that customers had raised questions about its effectiveness.

Ms Goody's agent meanwhile leapt to her defence by immediately severing all contact with the contestant. "I want nothing more to do with such a talentless and worthless individual," she said. "I intend to concentrate on my other clients, Chantelle Thingy from the last series, that one who's been suspended from EastEnders and the woman who presents those DIY programmes on Sky."


UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon tonight appealed for calm as another man died as a result of seeing Ms Goody on his television screen again. Greg Mullet, 34, of Bootle, took to the roads at breakneck speed in his high-sided vehicle to escape the Big Brother menace, against Met Office advice.

A Treasury spokesman said that Jade Goody has cost the British economy 4.2 billion in the last two days alone and caused incalculable damage to the nation's patience.

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