Compulsive gamblers to be given classes to win on NHS
21 Jan 2007 by Ben Bostrom
Concern is growing among many in the medical community that the number of compulsive gamblers in Britain is increasing dramatically and may soon rival much more photogenic addictions like alcoholics throwing up in gutters and drug addicts laughing at the law courts as they are allowed to stay out of jail so they can continue singing in their pop bands. Aided greatly by the increase in the number of online gambling sites and high-roller games of Snakes and Ladders being played in suburban speak-easies, the scale of this far less interesting addiction is growing and largely going un-reported.A spokesman for the NHS was kind enough to read a press statement: "Continuously losing in casinos can be terribly detrimental to patients' health and mental wellbeing. The ideal solution would be to adjust the odds in the favour of casino patrons, but until suitable legislation can be drawn up it falls to the National Health Service to address this serious threat to our nation's health."
The spokesman declined to comment on the Department for Culture, Media and Sport's plans to open "super-casinos" in every seaside town, shopping park and on the sites of new academy schools.
As a short-term measure to combat the growing problems related to gambling addicts, who in the worst cases have been known to lose their houses and become bankrupt, it was proposed today by leading NHS doctors that classes in how to beat casinos be added to the list of treatments available through the NHS. Patients will be taught how to count cards, load dice and fix roulettes.
Master classes in using electronic surveillance tools to aid patients in group activities at casino poker tables will be held by Yau Yiu Lam, Fan Leung Tsang, and Bit Chai Wong, once their communal disservice sentences have been completed. They were specifically requested after allowing themselves to be caught as a publicity stunt and subsequently becoming minor stars. The trio plan to honour their new schedule of classes and talks in between competing in Big Brother, I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, and countless other alleged celebrity reality TV shows.
A spokeswoman for Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt commented: "It has long been known that normal people learn better when taught by celebrities. Statistics show that the standard of home-cooked meals in the average British home has risen by almost 110% since Jamie Oliver donned his persona of the Naked Chef. And even greater improvements – over 130% according to a poll taken in early 2006 – were achieved when children were taught mathematics by Johnny Ball. We will simply borrow this business model and apply it to the NHS and build on it to create real synergy and productivityness towards lessening the harmful effects of this terrible addiction."
The spokeswoman was unable to comment on the odds of Gordon Brown supplying enough money for the plans to go ahead.
