New Home Secretary resigns after 37 minutes
26 Jan 2007 by D Billingham
The new Home Secretary was dramatically forced to resign today just 37 minutes after replacing John Reid. As DeadBrain went to press, tabloid editors up and down the land were rejoicing at the quick-fire dismissal.The drama happened as the fiery Scotsman's successor was being unveiled at a press conference. In an indication to some that the justice system is about the most inept thing ever to have existed, the new Home Secretary said: "It is almost certain that some crimes will remain unsolved as you are not going to be able to catch the criminals 100 per cent of the time."
Within twenty minutes, the Daily Mail had released the following statement:
"In admitting that he won't be able to put all criminals behind bars, the new Home Secretary has shown such a lack of concern about the paedophiles, terrorists, rapists and feral children in our midst that he is arguably worse than the lot of them. If he has any decency at all he should apologise personally to all future victims of crime and resign immediately."
"The Daily Mail also charges that along with refusing to lock up criminals of all description, the new Home Secretary has done nothing to relieve the dangerous overcrowding of jails, where person after person is unnecessarily denied their freedom and chained in squalor."
"There is only one solution to the Home Offices woes - a huge increase in public spending financed by massive tax cuts. It remains a mystery why not a single party has been able to grasp this terribly easy concept."
After facing calls to resign at his inaugural press conference, it wasn't long until the new Home Secretary caved in. In an emotional resignation speech he said: "The first five minutes were a great challenge but after that I began to see why people say this job is the worst in the world. I can only hope that my successor is less incompetent than me and my predecessor John Reid, his predecessor Charles Clarke, his predecessor David Blunkett and his predecessor, whose name I forget."
Bookmakers say Sven Goran Eriksson is favourite to make an unlikely comeback and become the latest Home Secretary as he is "the only person mad enough and desperate enough for a job."
