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27th April
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Blair to quit "no later than" 2047

In an effort to "put all speculation to rest", Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced he will leave office "no later than" 5 February 2047. In an exclusive interview with DeadBrain, Blair said, "I want to finish what I've started, and to be quite honest that could take decades." Blair deflected questions about his potential successor, stating that "I won't discuss that issue until the moment of my departure, when I fully intend to endorse that consummate wanker Gordon Brown unless I can think of any vaguely reasonable excuse to avoid doing so."

Blair repeatedly dodged questions from your DeadBrain correspondent concerning the burgeoning cash for peerages scandal that threatens his legacy. "I have Lord Goldsmith looking into the national security implications of this investigation," Blair said. "And according to a draft of the report that I haven't even seen, much less heavily revised, pursuit of the peerages investigation could spell the end of freedom, democracy, Big Brother, and all sorts of other things the public hold dear." Blair indicated that he "would, of course, suspend judgement" until the final report is issued, "which I will have no chance whatsoever to influence."

On the vexing problem of the Iraq war, Blair was surprisingly upbeat. "Because of the efforts of the coalition of the willing, the Iraqi people now enjoy free elections and a wide variety of cutting-edge vehicular bombs and roadside explosives," Blair said. "This is the most significant feat of British arms since we liberated all those sheep in the Falklands."

Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment on Blair's announcement at press time, although a spokesman claimed the Chancellor's face "turned an astonishing variety of hues" when he learned of it. "It appears that the only realistic chance Brown now has of becoming Prime Minister is by committing one or more rather violent felonies," said Douglas Ramsbottom, professor of perpetual government at the University of Bootle.
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