Jonny Wilkinson injured in US "friendly fire" incident
8 Feb 2007 by Sir Charles Cheese-Cake
Jonny Wilkinson has been very nearly, almost-fatally injured by American tankbuster planes during training and will miss the next Six Nations match. The incident is the latest in a long line of injuries to beset the World Cup hero following problems with his shoulders, knees, bicep, bionic left leg, heart, lungs, voice-box, pancreas, spleen, appendix, tonsils and his three kidneys.The pilots of the two US A-1Os had reportedly mistaken the England rugby team's training base at Bath University for an al-Qaeda camp, 20 miles north of Baghdad. A US military spokesman said: "In the fog of war, and the Somerset fog, we can all make mistakes."
In a never-seen-before exclusively first world exclusive, DeadBrain has managed to obtain a copy of the damning cockpit video, which doesn't exist, showing the moments leading up to and including the attack on the Newcastle Falcons' number 10. We have printed a transcript of the video below, although please note that some readers might find the incompetence displayed extremely disturbing.
POPOV35:
Dude, where are we?
POPOV36:
F***ed if I know, dude. Is that Najaf down there?
Footage shows the plane banking to the right, revealing Bristol below.
POPOV35:
Looks like it to me. Seems pretty bombed from where I'm sat.
POPOV36:
Totally bogus weather today, dude!
POPOV35:
Tell me about it! Jeez, glad I don't live here!
At this moment a Gilbert rugby ball appears at lightning speed from left of shot, narrowly missing the left wing. A warning alarm sounds "Warning! Take evasive action! Warning! Take evasion action! Shoot first! Ask questions later!"
POVOV36:
Whoah! What the f*** was that?
POPOV35:
We're under attack! They're f***ing shooting at us dude!
The plane turns sharply.
POPOV36:
I'm goin' in for a closer look, even though I've already made up my mind to attack.
POPOV35:
Party on, Popov36!
The plane rolls over and the video shows most of the England team taking a break from training. They are stood around drinking Lucozade, apart from Wilkinson who is still practising his place kicking.
POPOV36:
I can see orange dude! I think, I think it's Lucozade.
POPOV35:
Na, they totally look like rockets, my most excellent friend. I'm sure of it. Popov35 to base dudes. Are there any friendlies in this area?
MANILA26:
F***ed if I know, dude!
POPOVOV35:
Excellent!
Sound of air electric guitar.
POPOV35 & POPOV36:
Thanks, totally clueless ground control guy!
MANILA26:
Catch you later pilot dudes!
Sound of gunfire. Ends.
