Miliband: Is your neighbour living green? If not, punch or even kill them
31 Mar 2007 by Bernt Owt
In response to Channel 4's recent documentary The Great Climate Change Swindle, David Miliband and the IPCC last night urged the public to take matters into their own hands to combat climate change."When it comes to fighting climate change, I'd like to encourage the man in the street to fight his neighbour – if his neighbour has a sufficiently large carbon footprint," said David Miliband, Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs of The Heart. "There's only a certain amount that Government and big business can do to curb carbon emissions, and that amount is everything. Therefore I'm urging the public to contribute by making insignificant changes to their lifestyles. As a by-product, they will also feel superior. The public can enforce these changes by 'monitoring' each other's behaviour."
The IPCC has released a list of guidelines for determining your neighbour's carbon footprint and the violent steps you should take to ensure that they are not maliciously destroying Mother Nature because they are evil. Some of these guidelines are:
- Do they own a SUV? If yes, then the IPCC recommend you kick them in the shin and spit at them. There are no limits to the damage you are allowed to cause to the SUV itself.
- Do they 'tut' when they see images of power stations belching smoke into the sky, and go 'aah' when they see polar bears sliding off glaciers? If not, feel free (even righteous) to clip them round the ear and bombard their inboxes with lists of species that would become extinct should the temperature of the earth reach 100 degrees Celsius.
- Are they planning a trip on an aeroplane? If yes, please do not approach these people directly. They are dangerous and volatile. Call your local environment officer and alert them to the danger. Once they have been arrested or shot you may then liberate their property.
- Have you overheard them make comments along the lines of "I think the debate as to whether CO2 is the cause of rising temperatures is not over"? If yes, please do all you can to prevent this person's lungs from ever expelling another molecule of CO2 into the atmosphere, by killing them. As you cleanse the earth of this particular abhorrence please shout "Denier!!" in a shrill voice and widen your eyes. Alternatively, if you are a pacifist or a civil servant, you may simply point and scream at them (see 'The Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers').
Gregoire Mullet of Finchley welcomed the IPCC's guidelines. "My neighbour, Ramsbottom, he's got one of those SUVs. He likes to sit in it and rev the engine while he watches 'An Inconvenient Truth' on his laptop and laughs. He's a smoker too. I look forward to possibly killing him."
Martin Durkin, the director of 'The Great Climate Change Swindle' was unavailable to comment as he had stuck his head in some sand whilst searching for his self-doubt, although members of the IPCC claimed that he had been fried to a crisp by the sun because he left his TV on standby.
David Miliband has posted a response to the Channel 4 documentary on his blog: "Oh yeah, I watched it. I was eating lentils at the time so I stuffed them in my ears and sang joni mitchell's big yello taxi at the top of my voice." Miliband used lower case letters and text message spelling in his blog, thus revealing his unbreakable connection with the 'street'. He continued: "There is no doubt that CO2 is driving temperature change. There's no incontrovertible evidence, but there's also no doubt. The lack of doubt makes up for the lack of evidence."
