Compulsory passport interviews: sample questionnaire revealed
01 Apr 2007 by hra
Following an advance trial of the UK passport interview process in Bootle over the past month, DeadBrain has obtained the full text of the personalised questionnaire used in the interview of one of the randomly-selected candidates, Douglas Ramsbottom (36). It is DeadBrain's sincere wish that the publication of this questionnaire will serve to defuse growing public concern over mass data-sharing, intrusive surveillance and the compilation of Big-Brother-style dossiers on innocent members of the public.
1. Describe the exact route you took when you drove to the interrogation centre this morning.After the interrogation, Ramsbottom was delighted to be informed that, following a small matter of £500 in used notes which he accidentally dropped in the interview room, he is now the proud owner of a brand-new
2. List 10 items you bought at Tesco last Saturday.
3. List 10 items you put in your wheelie-bin for last Thursday's collection.
4. What item(s) did you purchase for lunch in the office canteen last Thursday and what did you say about your boss while you were eating it?
5. Describe your exact location when you received a text from "Charlene" at 21.02 yesterday evening, and summarise the content of your reply.
6. In which year(s) did your GP refer to you Alcoholics Anonymous?
7. How much money did you lose at Bootle dog track on Wednesday night (to the nearest £100)?
8. List 3 items in the safe in your study at home (multiple issues of the same magazine title count only once).
9. What obscene gesture did you make at a speed camera at 14.07 on Saturday afternoon on the dual carriageway outside B&Q?
10. On how many days during the past week have you met your 5-a-day target? (this refers to portions of fruit and vegetables, Mr Ramsbottom).
11. What was the main subject-matter of the encrypted email you received from your brother-in-law last weekend (excluding his remarks about GCHQ)?
12. Describe the content of the letter you received yesterday from solicitors acting for HM Revenue & Customs, and the content of the reply you posted this morning.
13. In what precise circumstances were you discovered by dog-walkers at 6.30 a.m. the morning after your stag night in 1992?
14. On which political blog did you make an anonymous posting from your local library last Saturday morning?
15. Over the past tax year, how much have you been paid in cash by Mrs Brenda Shuttleworth (65) across the road for (a) putting in her shower; (b) concreting her drive; (c) looking after her grandchildren's gerbils?
16. Summarise the most recent entry you made in your journal entitled "The Secret Diary of Douglas Ramsbottom aged 36¼".
17. Summarise the conversation with your taxi-driver on your trip to the station last Tuesday morning about (a) white van drivers; (b) Manchester United fans; (c) Tony Blair's suitability for a new career at McDonalds.
18. What did your wife say to you when you came back drunk from the pub last Saturday night and tried to climb into bed with her? (in no more than 2 words).
19. What were the exact remarks made by your neighbour Mrs Gladys Mullet (74) over the garden fence last Sunday afternoon about (a) your leylandii; (b) your bonfires, and what was your reply concerning (a) the mating habits of her dog; (b) your wishes for her future in the afterlife?
20. Complete the following sentence in the most apt and original way in no more than 45 words: "I think ID cards are truly wonderful because ..."
Underscoring the Government's impeccable record on IT security, Ramsbottom's passport chip has so far been cloned by only 3 Guardian reporters and 2 Bulgarian crime cartels, and his identity sold to a mere 20 market research organisations (to the best of DeadBrain's knowledge).
In related news, Ramsbottom's wife is understood to have filed an FOI request for the full transcript of his answers.
