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28th April
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EU calls for ban on environmental research

A European Union study has stunned the scientific world by claiming that environmental research causes irreversible and widespread damage to the environment.

Science experiments, research papers, peer reports, study groups and international conferences should be stopped immediately, an independent expert panel concluded, as they all contribute to the destruction of the planet.

If not, it's believed an area the size of Wales (and possibly called Wales) will disappear within as little as thirty to a billion years' time.

The worldwide 'green' market is estimated to be worth over 0 billion and employs scientists as young as five to cope with growing demand. Ecological research alone has grown 600% over the past twenty years and if this continues it is predicted that cultural hotspots like Southend on Sea may disappear forever.

"The situation has gotten out of control," one slack-mouthed American expert revealed, "as more money has poured into research more potential disasters have been uncovered."

It is not known how this affects Gordon Brown's plans for a tax on breaking wind. The Treasury-sponsored report into personal methane emissions had been widely-touted to facilitate this by controversially concluding that it is actually "better in than out".
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