Scientists identify "greed" gene in fat people
13 Apr 2007 by Sir Charles Cheese-Cake
Fat people have a gene which makes them greedier than normal people, boffins have announced."After a bit of research and lots of cups of tea we've managed to locate a gene which causes tubby people to buy pies against their will," said a bearded boffin, "so it's definitely mother nature, and not McDonalds that's at fault."
The "bigboned gene", as it has been named, was found last Tuesday afternoon by a group of Oxford scientists who were given a load of money to waste on pointless research trying to prove that obesity isn't self-inflicted.
"Over the next few months we're planning to identify more genes that give people an excuse for not owning up to their appalling behaviour," said the boffin. "We're hoping to study criminals in a bid to find the 'chav' gene, then we hope to locate the 'Henman' gene in most of the England football players."
The findings bring much relief to lard-arses everywhere who suffer taunts because of their enormous appetites. "This is the best news since Burger King ran a buy one Whopper get one free offer last year," said a huge chubby bloke who DeadBrain had to interview in his own home because he can't fit through the door, "I eat loads of cream cakes and chips but I never seem to be able to shift the flab. Now I know it's down to my genes and not 'cos I binge eat and watch too much Sky telly."
"For years I've always suspected that my genes were to blame," said a rotund 32 stone woman in between mouthfuls of a tasty looking pork pie. "I'd be sitting there watching Trisha, minding my own business when all of a sudden my genes would jump up and be on the phone to Domino pizza ordering a large meat feast, two pepperonis, wedges, bottles of coke and ice cream. There was nothing I could do stop it!"
Top facts about fat people
- The island of Manhattan in New York is sinking 2 inches every year thanks to its porky citizens. If projected obesity levels continue to rise the Statue of Liberty will be completely submerged by 2045.
- When filling out their incapacity benefit forms 73% of tubby people give "chips" as their religion.
- In Britain it is perfectly acceptable to taunt a fat person if you see them in the street as they'll never be able to catch you.
- 5 out of 6 fat men admit to growing goatee beards in the mistaken belief that it'll hide one of their extra chins. This practice is also common amongst fat women in France.
- 68% of obese couples move into bungalows every year in a desperate bid to escape the "nightmare" of stairs.
- All lardy men and women over 18 stone have extremely well-developed thigh and calf muscles to cope with the excess strain placed upon them, yet despite this they regularly fail to use these muscles for walking to the shops or the toilet.
- If you are travelling on a plane or train with a fat person they will always welcome you pointing out the fact that you've paid the same price for your ticket as they did, even though they're taking up twice as much space than you.
- On average the carbon footprint of a fat person is six and a half inches deeper than that of a non-greedy person.
- Fat women are 37% less likely to be able to have children than women who don't pig out.
- Last year an area of rainforest the size of Russia was destroyed in order to make the enormous wooden coffins required to bury all the fat British people that died.
