Army to build "security wall" around Hugh Grant
27 Apr 2007 by Adam Tan
The Army has begun construction of a twelve-foot high concrete barrier around Hugh Grant, DeadBrain can now reveal. "It is hoped that this security wall will ensure the safety of the populace, and indeed of Mr Grant as well," said a highly placed military source. The move comes in the wake of the latest altercation involving Grant, in which he allegedly kicked a photographer before heaving a tub of food at the man.The wall is part of the Labour government's controversial "surge" against thespian violence. "British citizens should be free to move about on the streets of our cities and towns without fear of attack from crazed actors, many of whom are frankly rather second rate," said a Ministry of Defence spokesman on Tuesday. The spokesman linked the "surge" to Tony Blair's recently announced "war on wankers", noting that in the Grant case "we had credible evidence that Mr Grant was in fact throwing a tub of yellowcake uranium at the unfortunate victim." "The national security threat should be self evident," the MoD spokesman added.
Most security experts doubt the efficacy of the government's efforts. "Hugh Grant has a proven ability to hurl projectiles at some considerable distance with a very high arc," noted Douglas Ramsbottom, professor of packaged-meal ballistics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. "Given the relatively low height of the wall, he should easily be able to bombard unsuspecting passers-by with whatever missiles he has to hand."
Critics have also questioned whether the effort will survive judicial scrutiny. "In 1965 the Army placed a railing around David Niven," observed historian Gregory T. Mullet. "However, after Niven threatened legal action the barrier was removed."
