Vlad the Impaler to join Brown Cabinet
28 Jun 2007 by Adam Powell
In a move that surprised political commentators yesterday, Gordon Brown has appointed Vlad the Impaler as his new Home Secretary."He's tough on crime and tough on the bastards who cause crime," commented the new Prime Minister. "Unlike some recent leaders I could mention, Vlad delivered. Transylvania's crime rate plummeted during his reign." The appointment is thought to chime well with Brown's emphasis on substance rather than spin.
Vlad's love of impaling petty offenders could also help with government's Respect agenda. Experts say it would relieve Britain's already overcrowded prison population and could prove more popular than electronic tagging with Daily Mail readers.
Impaling involves sticking the offender on a sharp pole, which he slowly slides down until his vital organs are fatally punctured. The relatively low cost of the scheme is another advantage in a period of tightening departmental budgets. "They're better than ASBOs", commented one criminologist last night.
Offences which are likely to become punishable by impalement include "non-compliance with the new smoking ban" and "littering".
Brown has been keen to counter Conservative claims that he will be soft on crime. Rumours were circulating around the Westminster village that Ann Widdecombe might be tempted to cross over to the Labour benches and take the job. However, one source close to Gordon Brown described this as "nonsense". "Widdecombe would alienate far more voters than Vlad," he explained.
In order to take up his post, Vlad the Impaler will first have to be made a life peer, as he is not an MP. Political commentators said that the fact that he has been dead since 1476 should not be a problem as death has never been a barrier to membership of the House of Lords.
