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27th April
Updated from time to time

Rumours circulate about Brown's "government of all the talents"

Rumours are circulating Westminster about who Gordon Brown will appoint to his new "government of all the talents". Already known to have been approached are former Lib Dem leader Paddy "Pantsdown" Ashdown, who was offered the job of John Prescott, and actor Barry Williams, formerly of the Brady Bunch.

In what is being described by Brownites as a genuine cross-party attempt to screw the main opposition parties, the only other well-known Liberal Democrat in existence who isn't Lembit Opik, Charles Kennedy, has been offered the position of Secretary of State for Scotch at the post-devolution Scotch Office.

So far it is not thought that job offers have been made to any former Conservative leaders, although Iain Duncan Smith was said to be waiting by his phone, as he has been for the last three years.

Outside the world of politics, Sir Richard Branson is known to have turned down a role in the new Department for Business and Enterprise because it did not involve dressing up.

Tim Henman is thought to be considering a part-time role as sports adviser for when he is not competing in Wimbledon, which would see him available to government for approximately 362 days per year.

Finally, in an attempt to cast aside Gordon Brown's image as a humourless misery guts, a new Department of Jokes is to be established by clinically removing parts from DEFRA, in what is described as a "painful but necessary" operation. The department will be tasked with writing funny but politically-correct jokes for the new Prime Minister to use off the cuff. The least incompetent civil servants from DEFRA will be aided by a team of Britain's top comedians, including Jim Davidson, Roy Chubby Brown and the late Bernard Manning.
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