City known as 'Hull' exists; has been flooded - shock revelation
5 Jul 2007
Hull and the area surrounding it suffered severe flooding last week, it has been revealed. Over 10,000 properties were damaged in the city, which is located Up North. 35,000 people have been affected, with the flood water taking ten days to clear in some places. Improvements to schools and housing stock in parts of the city could run to £200 million.The revelation came when angry people in the waterlogged city managed to get word to the outside world, and more specifically the national media. A reporter with waders was immediately dispatched to find some puddles, but Hull only received government attention when civil servants accidentally left the television on BBC One after Wimbledon and caught some of Show and Tell with Natasha Kaplinsky (formerly the Six O'clock News).
"To be honest I'd completely forgotten Hull existed," confessed Whitehall mandarin Sir Douglas Ramsbottom. "When you look at the BBC weather maps there's nothing marked on – there's a big gap between Norwich and Newcastle. I thought it was just fields."
"I had no idea anyone lived there apart from farmers," he said.
A second surprising discovery, made late last night when a security guard heard a banging noise, is that Britain has a Minister for Flood Recovery. John Healy MP was apparently appointed in Gordon Brown's reshuffle last month, but was accidentally locked in a stationery cupboard soon after and had not been heard from since.
With Hull suddenly in the public eye, Mr Healy's first duty as minister was to visit Hull today. He was accompanied by the Health Secretary and MP for Hull West and Hessle, Alan Johnson, the former Deputy Prime Minister and Secretary of State for John Prescott, John Prescott, and the other Hull MP who nobody has heard of.
Sources in Downing Street told DeadBrain that Mr Healy was given firm instructions not to promise any money, help or sympathy while looking as serious as it is possible to do when standing next to John Prescott. Onlookers said that he coped with both tasks admirably.
Residents in Hull have meanwhile reacted with relief to the news that Prince Charles has no plans to visit the area. The Prince of Wales has visited a village in South Yorkshire twice, once in a boat, but a palace source said that he had had enough of smelly water and smelly northerners and would be spending the coming weeks washing his hands and finding out if there are any organic potatoes left in Britain.
Should he fail in this task, the source said that he might be forced to talk to Camilla instead.
