News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Menzies Campbell
8th August
Backing Boris for comedy value

Brown announces "generous" aid package for flood victims

The Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has promised a "generous" package of aid to people who have been affected by the recent floods in the Midlands and the north of England. Speaking on a tour of Doncaster and Hull, during which his facial expression repeatedly alternated between a smirk and a grimace, Mr Brown said that "much-needed help" would soon be on its way.

Each person whose house or flat was damaged by flooding (defined as water of a depth of at least five inches entering the property) will receive the package, so long as their income is less than £5,000 per annum (£8,000 for married couples and registered civil partners) and they do not have savings totalling more than £2,500 or any ASBOs, points on their driving licences or outstanding library fines.

To receive help, applicants must fill out form F468.2 (available for download online, from local Community Wardens or by calling an 0845 number during office hours) for every person resident in the property and return them along with a stamped and addressed envelope and an administration fee of £4.95 to their local authority within 14 days. After checking claims, local authorities will then forward them on to a central clearing department in London (to be outsourced to Capita), which will process all applications it doesn't lose and dispatch whatever aid packages are appropriate within 28 days.

Mr Brown defended the bureaucratic application process, saying that it was "only right and proper" that those in greatest need received the most help. The aid available will be on a sliding scale, with means testing to be performed by Capita. Where a claim cannot be processed immediately on the evidence given, applicants will be invited to interview at one of three regional assessment centres, to be located in London, Glasgow and Bootle.

Full details of the aid package are not yet available, but a government spokesman said that so far the maximum allowance would be:

  • £1.40 cash per person
  • A Satsuma
  • A packet of custard creams
  • Vouchers from commercial sponsors, including £150 off a Virgin holiday, 10% off at Laura Ashley and a day pass for a chain of health clubs
  • A copy of David Blunkett's memoirs
The package will be presented gift-wrapped in a limited edition souvenir presentation box.

Asked for his reaction, Hull City Council leader Carl Minns thanked the Prime Minister for his generosity but said that more help would be appreciated, such as a meaningful amount of money.

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