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19th April
Updated from time to time
The Tories

David Cameron 'to talk to working class people' shock

The Conservative Party has announced that it is to launch a new Inclusivity Unit to broaden party support. The new unit is aimed at opening up dialogue with groups not normally seen as natural Tories, such as young people, people from ethnic minorities and people in general. "We want to find out the opinions of people who make up modern Britain. We're no longer the upper class party we perhaps once were," said Lancelot Wittering-Smythe, a Central Office spokesman.

Members will include:

  • Old Jenkins, David Cameron's grouse beater, who will be consulted on rural affairs. In keeping with the new informality, Jenkins won't have to call Cameron "squire" during meetings.

  • Jimmy Tarbuck will advise on inner-city problems, as he's from Liverpool.

  • A woman - no appointment has yet been made but a source confirmed there would definitely be a female. "It's very now, very zeitgeist - just so long as she's not ugly."
Wittering-Smythe denies this is a panic measure due to a spate of poor opinion polls. "Just because Dave went to Oxford, married an aristocrat and is descended from royalty doesn't mean he isn't an ordinary kind of guy. He's always been concerned for the poor. When I was his fag at Eton he gave a very generous tip to the college porter at Christmas."

As with the environment, Cameron wants Tory MPs to set a personal example. "Servants shouldn't have to doff their caps anymore," said Smythe, "that's so 1980s."

However, not all Tories are happy with these developments. "It's political correctness gone mad," commented backbencher Sir Reginald Buffington-Cleft. "We'll be asking our butlers for their opinions next."

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