Plankton on alert as Sun publishes shark photo
The krill-crunching Basking Shark has never before been spotted in UK waters, except for today, yesterday, last year, the year before that, the year before that, next week, much of August and September, and every year before that, since time began.
Near-microscopic organisms across the Atlantic were rocked by the revelations. One spineless creature said: "I'm absolutely and totally convinced that the picture in The Sun shows a Basker."
The blob, former host of the Channel 1,586 serial 'When Tabloid Editors Attack', added: "This is the most convincing cheque I have ever seen. The holder should be very wary of taking their hands off it, and take precautions to ensure it is placed in the nearest High Street bank immediately."
Meanwhile another man, Kevin Speedy, of the Cocaine and Amphetamine Lounge in the upmarket resort of Newquay, Cornwall, tried to sell us his holiday pictures.
One horrific shot, taken at a stare of ten thousand yards with a Box Brownie automotive pictorial apparatus from aboard the good ship Lollipop, clearly shows the snout of a man-eating Great White.
Reading "Greetings From South Africa", the picture struck immediate horror into our lawyers, and was passed to local paper of record the Newquay Guardian, formerly the Cornish Guardian, formerly Farming Yearly.
Guardian Editor Andy Whopper, author of 'Quick, Quick, There's a Cat up a Tree in Colomb Minor - or How I reached the top in regional newspapers', said: "Stories like this set a new standard in local reporting.
"It's a tribute to the reporters who researched the story that the boat described is moored in Scotland, that the camera used to take the photograph is available in Boots, and that my career is over.
"It is also a sign of the high regard in which News International hold Northcliffe Newspapers that their publication The Sun referred to our newspaper no less than eight million times in its story.
"Lines such as: 'Local paper the Newquay Guardian's picture of this Great White shark, published in local paper the Newquay Guardian, in Newquay, not here in London, which means it was not us, and we are not in any way responsible, but they are, not us, but definitely them' are a moving paean to Fleet Street's faith in my news team.
"I have been personally assured by Lord Rothermere that The Sun's emblazoning of our newspaper's name over Mr Speedy's exclusive picture postcard - seen and laughed at by three million readers - has raised our circulation 100 per-cent.
"Once I have adjusted my trousers to accommodate the remaining exposed portion of this impressive but unrelated graph of declining sales, I will be celebrating with my family."