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30th October
Updated from time to time

Prescott "could be replaced by bucket of lard"

The former Deputy Prime Minister and Secretary of State for John Prescott, John Prescott, could be replaced by a bucket of lard when he stands down as an MP, DeadBrain has learned. Several newspapers this weekend confirmed Mr Prescott's intention to quit at the next election in order to spend more time with his book advance. He is thought to be agreeable to the idea, but has not yet made a formal announcement.

Members of the Labour Party in his East Hull constituency are discussing who or what local people will blithely elect to the House of Commons after being affixed with a red rosette and (optionally) equipped with a rudimentary grasp of the English language.

Party members are thought to be keen on finding someone with similar characteristics to Mr Prescott. "John has done an excellent job as an MP," said Greg Mullet, Mr Prescott's volunteer pork pie purchaser. "I don't think we could go far wrong if we chose someone much the same as him." Popular suggestions so far have included a bucket of lard, a large pig and a chocolate teapot, but some members would prefer a human being.

"I don't like the word 'celebrity', but I'd like to see someone well-known take the seat," said Douglas Ramsbottom, the local party's beer officer. "We should set our sights high. I'm thinking of people of the calibre Maureen Lipman, or that girl off The Apprentice, or Rod Hull."

"Death isn't necessarily a barrier to being an effective Member of Parliament," he added.

Party organisers are likely to eschew Conservative-style open primaries on the grounds of Boris Johnson, choosing instead a traditional pub crawl followed by a take-away and a fixed penalty notice.

John Prescott was unable to give a coherent comment in time for publication.
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