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27th April
Updated from time to time

Nine million dead as agencies battle for splash

Twelve corpses, of whom four are feared missing, have definitely died after a corporate regional news agency tore through a seaside hotel in search of an all-round national page lead.

One of the nine million confirmed victims are thought to have flung themselves from buildings fleeing raging inaccuracies. At least eight more were patronised to death, and six billion witnesses were killed in the follow up to the lead by an especially ill-informed and tactless question.

The horrific tragedy, in which three people died, was subject to an all-out attack by weekend staff and desperately competing corporate agencies on Saturday. Six million alive pensioners perished in one take filed just hours after the blaze, in which at least 50 people survived.

A child explained: "I went to a party on Friday night so when my new employer rang on Saturday with news of this exciting story, I had the jelly wiped off my bib before you could say 'cannon fodder'.

"It was chaos when I got there. There was nobody in the hotel, it was all empty and sort of funny looking, so I asked a man with a beard carrying some bags how many people died, as he looked very old and wise.

"He said something to me like "looking about twelve", so I 'went with it', just like they told me.

"They were really happy on the big news desk when I told them, and thanks to the Internet my story was on every front page within minutes.

"After that happened they rang back with their funny voice on and asked me if this was just more bollocks! But that's blokes for you! Always swearing. They're such a laugh."

"Next I found a witness. He was standing in a charred bathrobe, and his hair was all ablaze. I puckered up and asked him, 'Did you see the fire?' - and stone me if he didn't keel over and die on the spot!

"Golly. Talk about making the news. Wait 'til I tell Mummy," she said, adding: "Taxi!"

Investigators believe an initial explosion of deliberate misinterpretations led to the story becoming a lead. It is thought the awful boredom of dangerously stupid broadcast reporters may have finally caused the splash.

One tired sub-editor said: "Unfortunately most of us had sent our secret, deranged relatives in that weekend, and the figures just got out of control.

"But what do you expect if you stop transportation and ban walling in?

"At the end of the day all it means is I can come in on the Monday and appear positively competent. Which all goes towards getting me off the back bench and into an executive suite.

"Fuck off. And make me a coffee while you're at it," he added.

Miles Davis is away from his desk.
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