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27th April
Updated from time to time

Iran imprisons Dumbledore

The Iranian government yesterday announced that it has "apprehended and incarcerated" Dumbledore, the Hogwarts School headmaster, because "his sexuality is contrary to shari'a law", according to a government press release. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has taken the position that "there are no homosexuals in Iran", a country of some 70 million people.

Efforts by humanitarian groups to contact Dumbledore have thus far proven unsuccessful. He is rumoured to be imprisoned in Tehran's notorious Evin prison, a gruesome instrument of repression that Iran's Islamist leaders inherited enthusiastically from the hated and deposed Shah. "Hey, the Americans torture, why can't we?" said an official with the prison in a press conference before he was hustled away by big, dangerous looking men with guns.

Dumbledore's sexuality has been the subject of speculation for many years. "He never mentioned a girlfriend," noted a childhood acquaintance who declined to be identified. "And those capes and hats he always wore," the friend added. "It was all a little too Liberace for me, don't you know." The friend added "Dumbledore was always playing Celine Dion CDs whenever I visited. Of course, I didn't think anything of it at the time."

International reaction to Iran's move has been mixed. "I'm encouraged that Iran's policies regarding Dumbledore's disgusting and deviant conduct seem to parallel our own," said Condoleezza Rice, the United States Secretary of State, at a press conference. "But we're still going to bomb the hell out of those bastards, of course," she added hastily.

A spokesman for Gordon Brown, when reached for comment by DeadBrain, stated that the prime minister "was avidly consulting the very latest polling data and would shortly have a cogent and exceedingly popular response that enhances his electability". The spokesman added "by the way, the prime minister most certainly would have won that election he never called; he simply didn't want to burden the treasury". Several commentators dubbed the latter observation "at best a non sequitur".

Boris Johnson, in his quixotic bid to become the mayor of London, stated that "as far as Dumbledore is concerned" he opposed the position of the European Union on the issue, "whatever that position might be". DeadBrain confirmed that the EU had taken no position on the Dumbledore controversy as of press time.

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez condemned Iran's action, "but only because that asshole Bush seems to support it," Chavez noted in his weekly radio broadcast. "I condone swish behaviour only to the extent that it pisses off that bloody git," he added.

Gay activists reacted with unremitting hostility to the Iranian action. "Dumbledore was a nancy made good, and the power structure simply can't handle that," noted Sir Elton John. "I hope Dick Cheney bombs Iran back to the Stone Age, if they're not already there," the renowned musician added.

Repeated calls by DeadBrain to Harry Potter went unanswered. However, a source close to the accomplished wizard stated that Potter was "highly concerned about recent developments in South Asia". The source indicated that unless Potter could reach an "expeditious resolution to the unfortunate misunderstanding concerning Dumbledore" with Iranian president Ahmadinejad, Potter would go "all Voldemort on his ass".
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