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25th April
Updated from time to time

New Year celebrations too risky, says Government

New Year revellers will be putting themselves at risk, the Government has warned. Millions of people are expected to celebrate the onslaught of 2008 tonight by drinking large quantities of alcohol, getting their stomachs pumped and requesting a lift home in a taxi with flashing blue lights. However, ministers are warning that the New Year tradition is riskier than many people believe.

"Some people will unfortunately drink too much tonight and vomit on other people, and I know from the experience of Cabinet meetings that that is actually very unpleasant," said David Miliband, brushing pieces of Ed Balls' lunch off his tie. "It makes your suit stink and it's a nightmare to get it out of your hair."

For those revellers who will decide to finish their night out by reporting to their nearest remaining Accident and Emergency department, even greater risks will be present. Statistically, every year over 4.2 million people catch MRSA after getting drunk and deciding to "go see the nurses".

Worse still, last year a hospital in Newcastle mistakenly carried out five operations on the same man over three consecutive nights after misunderstanding what he was drunkenly slurring. He now has no appendix, only one ear and a shorter penis, and has vowed to give up alcohol.

For some people, though, MRSA will be the least of their worries. Once arrested or admitted to hospital, thousands of drunken people are also likely to have their records lost, resulting in further confusion when they come round, followed by the withdrawal of all of the money in their bank accounts.

"The safest thing to do is to stay indoors and watch whatever crap is on the TV," said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. "Or better still, go to bed early. 2008 will be just like 2007. It's nothing to stay up late for. In fact, it's better that you don't. Save your money. With the way the economy's looking, you'll probably need it."

"Happy New Year, by the way," she added.

A spokesman for Gordon Brown declined to comment on how the Prime Minister would be enjoying the New Year, as he failed to understand the concept of 'enjoyment'.
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