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19th April
Updated from time to time

Thousands inconvenienced as trains operate normally

Thousands of passengers across the country were inconvenienced today when trains operated as normal. A small number of engineering works finished on time, forcing commuters to use cramped rail services rather than cramped replacement bus services.

"I didn't mind being delayed two hours every day and having to use a smelly old bus," said Birmingham commuter Greg Mullet. "It made a change from the smelly old train. I got to see some different places. Broke things up a bit, like."

Passengers in Kent were meanwhile forced onto overcrowded trains, some of which ran less than half an hour late, as rail services returned to normal after the Christmas and New Year break. Similar situations occurred in Yorkshire, albeit with much older and slower trains.

A spokesman for Network Rail apologised for the state of Britain's railways. "It's unacceptable, we accept that. The critical issue is the longstanding tradition of crapness, cockups and incompetence. It takes time to reverse that, but at the moment we're not sure which direction we're going in, and we may not be moving at all much like a lot of the trains on our network."

Rail operators have promised to compensate passengers affected by the normal service of Britain's railways, such as if their journey has been delayed or cancelled, by vastly increasing fares.
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