Mugabe banned from playing cricket in UK
"It's time for tough action," said Prime Minister Gordon Brown, announcing the ban from inside his bunker deep under Downing Street, twitching slightly. "Denying Mugabe an easy victory over England's cricket team will really hit him where it hurts. As soon as this sinks in, we're expecting him to pack up and go home any day now."
"Democratic elections, where the candidate we like will win, are just around the corner," he added.
If, contrary to expectations, Mr Brown's dastardly plan does not succeed in making Mugabe realise the error of his ways, the Foreign Office has been authorised to step up the pressure with a series of other hard-hitting measures. A secret strategy paper, left locked in a briefcase on the back seat of Hazel Blears's car and passed to DeadBrain by a young hooded gentleman, reveals what will happen to Mugabe if he does not give in.
The measures, drafted by Mr Brown, include:
- Mugabe to be banned from entering track events at 2012 Olympics
- Supplies of English apple juice and strawberries to be cut off
- Broadcast of new episodes of Last of the Summer Wine on Zimbabwean TV to be banned
- Mugabe to be banned from drinking alcohol on the London Underground
- Mugabe to be stripped of knighthood and Blue Peter badge
- Zimbabwean ambassador to be banned from the good seats at Wimbledon
- British Ministers to extend campaign of tutting and head-shaking to include finger-pointing and fist-shaking (not simultaneously)
- Foreign Secretary to write letter of protest to Daily Telegraph
- Duke of Edinburgh to make insulting telephone call
DeadBrain is banned from Zimbabwe after making an offensive remark about one of Mugabe's shirts, but our undercover correspondent in Harare asked a Government spokesman to comment and was promptly beaten and arrested.