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19th April
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Rants and Rambles

Comment: Why Boris Johnson could bring world peace

With Bush back in the White House and credible opposition to New Labour remaining obsolete as the election looms ever nearer, something major has to happen if we're to avoid being bored silly by more of the same for the next four years. It's time for Boris.

The campaign to get Boris Johnson first to mount a challenge for the leadership of his Conservative Party and subsequently for the premiership has fallen off somewhat after Paul Merton kick-started it on Have I Got News For You. With our bright-haired friend back in the news, now is the time to get things moving to save our country, and possibly even the World.

For your perusing ease, I have outlined the top 10 reasons to Vote Boris.

  1. One of the fundamental problems the country has with politicians is that the men in charge often appear to be lying, which riles the many people ignorant of a politician's task. Such sentiment lowers the support and thus the credibility of the people running the country. With Boris, this simply isn't a problem. No one is equipped with the vocabulary to understand exactly what the man has said, therefore it's impossible to even speculate whether what he said was true or not.

  2. Trust in politicians is at an all-time low. Part of this is because of the lying. The other part is because of the spin. No one speaks their mind like Boris. He's the man to tell it how it is.

  3. It is accepted that always speaking your mind is not a great policy to adopt for some key issues. Luckily, Boris comes complete with 'stutter' mode, where he will mumble incoherently over the most contentious issues, thereby offending no-one while still giving the impression that something is being done. For those who worry that this means nothing will get done, they should note that such mumbling has worked remarkably well for the EU over the years.

  4. Britain is a multicultural country. Unfortunately, this has caused much interracial strife across the land. Boris is simultaneously foreign and the most English man alive he therefore sets the perfect example for all our inhabitants of foreign origin to live by. Voting Boris would not only ease social unrest but create a more accepting foreign policy. World peace surely beckons.

  5. The major part of British foreign policy as we speak is dealing with Dubya. Sadly, the country under Blair has been overly submissive to the President's ways. Quite frankly, Bush needs to be put in his place. For that, Boris is again yer man. There is simply no way Boris could spend more than five minutes in the same room as Bush without being irredeemably insulted by Dubya's solecisms.

  6. Boris is nothing if not erudite. Despite what the people who fiddle exam results would have us believe, our education system, and consequently the nation's youth, are in a mess. Boris is the man to revamp the system along the lines of rhetoric, chivalry and the classics. That way, even if children do decide to walk the delinquent path, at least they will open doors for the ladies along the way.

  7. Boris not only possesses a head with a built-in thesaurus, he also possesses a father who's just as cool as he is. Therefore, should Johnson junior's bike ever break down, there is an instant replacement ready to step in and deputise at short notice.

  8. As lovely an idea as democracy is, it rests on the idea that 'The People' know what they're talking about. They don't. Politics is too frightfully dull for the hoi polloi to get interested in to the extent that they are even remotely equipped to have a say. With Boris in charge, politics will become interesting on a scale unseen in any country and in any era, beckoning in a more truly inclusive, democratic age.

  9. People may argue that he can't master himself, let alone other people. They may even cite his legendary attempts to present Have I Got News For You. What people must remember is that Boris was all over the place on Have I Got News For You and still finished with raised stock and the best episodes the long-running show has ever produced under his belt.

  10. The hair. A little beacon of sunshine in our dank, overcast country.
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