Rant: More bans on the horizon from Labour
28 Nov 2004 by Paul Davies
With New Labour wielding the banning stick with abandon, a mounting number of people are growing concerned that they too could be excommunicated from the Church of Tony. Smoking and fox-hunting are already foredoomed for reasons of health and antagonising rich people respectively. Eating like an American is yet to be banned outright, but it is now officially frowned upon.No one knows for sure exactly what is on Tony's list for the chop, but with the help of some very unreliable sources, we can make some educated guesses.
First up is drinking alcohol between 6pm and midnight. This is part of the government's on-going War on Fun. This is clearly a contentious and draconian measure. However, Tony has accounted for the inevitable uproar, and will claim that the 18 legal drinking hours left are plenty, and that anyone who disagrees is evidently an alcoholic to be shunned by society and reported to the Ministry for Control.
Next up is a shamelessly populist vote-winning policy. I speak of the absolute banning of the one thing more offensive than Prince Philip on holiday: bagpipes. Quite frankly the eradication of this particular form of aural torture should have been introduced years ago.
Everyone's favourite Greek is at the centre of perhaps the most contentious group on banning-row: The Royal Family. This is undoubtedly a tricky one, but the Windsors are one of the few remaining groups of people that can speak out against the government without fear of reprimand or ridicule. Obviously, as Prince Philip only utilises this power for entertainment, he will be allowed to stay. Tony is, however, thought to be especially fearful of Prince William. With his privileged position, standing among the populace, university education and time spent helping people more unfortunate than even the Welsh, he is a veritable time bomb of criticism waiting to explode. The recent commotion which sprung up around Prince Charles' comments regarding the shortcomings of the education system demonstrated what chaos a semi-popular royal can cause. If William were ever to pour scorn upon the Party, who knows what would happen.
In a move further designed to lessen opposition to New Labour, balding MPs will also be rounded up and sent to work as corrupt accountants and lawyers in the City. There will be casualties on both sides, but the Tories will be forever leaderless and all but destroyed, whereas who's really going to miss Charles Clarke?
