Rant: While the Prime Minister's away...
29 Aug 2005 by Paul Davies
Having had quite enough of terrorism, rising fuel prices and David Blunkett, Tony Blair decided to take a holiday. I don't blame him, I bet Barbados is lovely right now.And as for the running of the country while he's away? No worries there - Prescott's in charge.
To those of you who think that's a cruel joke, equal to a Private Eye full of macabre asides about the death of Diana, consider the following:
While he's been at the helm, Prescott has overseen the rescuing of some Russian sailors, the successful capture of the amateur terrorists who botched blowing themselves up at the end of July, and now he's even watched on while an entire country has become gripped by cricket. These are wondrous times.
However, DeadBrain has learnt that all this success has unfortunately gone to Mr Prescott's head – he's now after the job full-time.
In his secret journal, which DeadBrain stole while the Deputy Prime Minister was distracted by a rather fetching display of cakes in a Westminster shop window, Mr Prescott had begun to outline his plans for the future. The exact nature of these plans was quite hard to make out, given Mr Prescott's borderline illiteracy and abysmal handwriting, but after a pain-staking process, the majority of the scribblings have been deciphered.
Education and Health
Rather than trying to halt the American-induced decline of academic standards and expansion of waistbands, Mr Prescott intends to embrace the trend, and mould the country in his own horrific image.To counter the recent problems of school test results, the curriculum will be narrowed down to just Architecture, Geography and Boxing. This will equip children with the knowledge of how to build houses, where to stick them and give anyone that tells them it's a stupid idea a good left hook.
Tax
There is much confusion around John's plans for reform of the taxation system, evidenced by a few torn-out pages and derogatory doodlings of Gordon Brown. This is, presumably, because he doesn't have a sodding clue where to start.However, leaving Brown in charge is a threat to the whole project, so we're left with a cursory "tax the rich bastards with big cars". Presumably there will be a prime ministerial exemption, and the rest will somehow sort itself out.
Social Policy
This is where the real revolutionary theories start to emerge, although it's quite possible Mr Prescott was just getting more and more drunk as he rambled on.The latter point is made all the more likely by the fact that the cure to all social ills is apparently more beer, or more specifically "proper northern beer, not that southern-pansy lager crap".
Terrorism, you see, is bred because mad Islamic fundamentalists are forced to be teetotal. The Prescott solution: "free beer for Muslims – then we'll see how long they can resist".
This policy will be paid for by re-nationalising all of Britain's media, which has been taking the piss out of Prescott for "too bloody long".
Foreign policy
The Deputy Prime Minister doesn't like to have much to do with foreigners. This is because they tend to embarrass him with their superior command of English. As was proved once again during Tony's absence, events with foreign dignitaries are organised to make John look silly. And John doesn't like looking silly. Which is unfortunate, really.Anyway, this needn't matter anymore, as Mr Prescott's old pal, Jack Straw, will be left in charge of anything and everything to do with foreigners, from the war in Iraq to the management of England's major sports teams.
Welcome to the dawn of a new era in British politics: a dangerous world of fat, flatulence and flat-pack housing. I've heard enough already – I'm off to Barbados.
