Rant: The potential rise of Alan Milburn
16 Oct 2005 by Paul Davies
A new vision of Hell was forged in the fires of the party conferences during the last month.
The Conservatives used their shindig as a hustings for a new leader, which resulted in William Hague emerging as the star candidate. If that wasn't enough to hint at the fact that something is deeply rotten at the heart of British politics, then New Labour's detention of every one of its members with any lasting left-wing leadings under the Terrorism Act surely was.
But give it time, and it might not just be octogenarians in search of inter-party debate that see their political hopes and dreams cruelly snatched away by power-crazed cronies. The future for all of us could be much more depressing.
Some news that sneaked out largely unnoticed amid the smoke billowing from David Cameron's alleged erstwhile misdemeanours was that Alan Milburn, shape-shifting scoundrel and all-round pointless human being, is thinking of running against everyone's favourite charisma-less chancellor, Gordon Brown, when Tony finally takes the hint and leaves Number 10.
By never deigning to speak in Parliament, and possessing an attendance record worse than just about every other MP, Mr Milburn has found plenty of time to work on his trademark skills of speaking entirely in vacuous clichés, hiding his illegal political activities, treating everyone that can't further his career (especially women) like plankton, and generally transforming himself into a half-man, half-weasel hybrid.
All this, has, somewhat disturbingly, stocked Alan's arsenal of seedy political weapons to the extent that he knows how to win a contest. Not only is he armed with the Machiavellian talents of Tony's team, headed by master-miscreant Alastair Campbell, every alcohol and prescription drug company in the land has pledged to back Milburn's campaign, safe in the knowledge that were he to win, the number of alcoholics and drug-addicts in Britain would sky-rocket, as people attempted to endure being ruled by such a chump.
Combined with the Conservative Party's staggering ability to always opt for the worst possible leadership candidate, we could conceivably come to 2009 with a choice between a rat and a Fox. The only positive to such a situation would be the inevitable cessation of all terrorist activity in the United Kingdom as the amateurs of al-Qaeda rightly decide to save their resources on the grounds that they just can't compete with the pros.
