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| You just walked into: Home > War Blog | 18th March |
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|  For the duration of the war with Iraq, DeadBrain will keep you up to date throughout the day through our team of experienced correspondents. With such famous personalities as John Motson, Catherine Zeta Jones and George W Bush, you can be sure to get news and expert analysis first here on DeadBrain. Click here for a full list of our correspondents with links to their blogs. No zoo STEVE IRWIN | 07.04.2003 23:07:05 Wow, so this is Baghdad then. Haven't been able to find a zoo so far but considering how Saddam treated his people it's probably a good thing he didn't have to look after animals as well. He is one grumpy fella, the place is a mess. The only wildlife I've seen is a few birds and some rats. In Baghdad CAPTAIN ZETA JONES | 07.04.2003 20:45:19 So we made it to Baghdad, been driving around a bit. None of the shops are open. There's nowhere to buy any new clothes. What is the point in being here? No wonder the Iraqis said Saddam was depressing them. Goal scrounging JOHN MOTSON | 07.04.2003 13:24:08 The coalition players could probably be accused of goal scrounging here. They're just standing around in the Iraqis' box, making no effort to run after the ball. It's negative play really, not the sort of thing we want to see. At the airport CAPTAIN ZETA JONES | 04.04.2003 21:29:48 We're at the airport at last! I could just go home now, there's bound to be flights out soon, but no - I'm dedicated to my job. Through thick and thin, no matter what hardships are forced upon me, I'm sticking with it (for now). Michael - please send the private jet with some essential supplies. You know, clothes, chocolate, moisturising cream, that sort of thing. Thanks. Crikey STEVE IRWIN | 03.04.2003 23:39:11 Crikey, we're only a few miles from Baghdad now and still no wildlife to talk about! The closest thing to "wild" was Basher Billy getting his nuts [deleted for security reasons]! I'm telling you, he was flat out like a lizard drinking! Hopefully there'll be a zoo or something in Baghdad. Advancing, probably JOHN MOTSON | 03.04.2003 13:17:10 And it's the Coalition, 30 miles from Baghdad. 20 miles. 30 miles again. 20 miles and closing. They've found an airport. 30 miles again... War's no joke CAPTAIN ZETA JONES | 02.04.2003 23:53:47 One of the guys offered me some tank paint to replace my nail polish. Told him where he could stick it (not on the tank, it's the wrong colour) - this is no laughing matter. Dangerously low on eye-liner now. Moving forward JOHN MOTSON | 02.04.2003 23:22:39 Flew back to the UK to cover the England game, was certainly worth it. On my way back now, this time I'll be staying in Doha where I can get my hands on the latest propaganda from US Central Command. All the signs are that the Coalition is moving forward in an attacking formation, but quite what that formation is is anybody's guess. All quiet STEVE IRWIN | 02.04.2003 11:27:00 Since some of the guys beat that snake to death with their spades it's been all quiet on the wildlife front out here in Iraq. I haven't seen another living thing, apart from us humans, for days. I'm starting to think the Americans may have bombed them all... Bad, bad, bad CAPTAIN ZETA JONES | 02.04.2003 00:37:42 Have run out of nail polish now. Could this war get any worse?! Score update JOHN MOTSON | 30.03.2003 13:14:57 Score update: Iraq 4-9 Coalition I've completely lost track of the score now and somebody's blown the scoreboard up so I can't look at that. I'm guessing at 4-9 after a few goals by Franks, but I can't be certain at this stage. Slowing down JOHN MOTSON | 29.03.2003 12:19:47 The Coalition players seem to be tiring now. They've definitely slowed down, and who can blame them? They've been playing non-stop for over a week, but they're going to have to find some new energy if they want to win this game. Perhaps the substitutes they're bringing on will help. Hungover CAPTAIN ZETA JONES | 29.03.2003 07:58:58 Hungover. Friday night CAPTAIN ZETA JONES | 28.03.2003 22:51:53 So it's Friday night, I'm out here in the desert with God knows how many hunky blokes and what are we doing? Nothing. Nothing at all. Not one party, not one showbiz premiere, not even a drink! What a let-down this war is turning out to be. Biting back STEVE IRWIN | 28.03.2003 17:47:21 Crikey, my mate the snake's just bitten one of the sergeants on the backside while he was sat on the Johnny! Good on him, he's a little naughty but what the hell, this is war. And I never really liked that guy anyway. Reinforcements JOHN MOTSON | 28.03.2003 12:25:13 It's looking like the Coalition is going to try to bring in some more substitutes to sit on the bench. I'm not sure that's allowed actually - the referee may well have something to say about it. He's back! STEVE IRWIN | 27.03.2003 23:19:11 Woo hoo! My friend the snake's back in my sleeping back again, or at least I think it's him. He's a funny little guy, not like anything I've ever seen before. Can't tell too much about him 'cos we're not allowed any lights on, but I had a poke around his mouth and he's got quite big fangs. Manager talks to player JOHN MOTSON | 27.03.2003 18:13:34 Coalition manager George W Bush has been talking to Blair on the edge of the pitch, presumabley about tactics. Blair is now going over to talk to the referee, Mr Annan. Very strange goings-on here - perhaps there is a problem with one of the players or in the crowd? I'm sure we'll find out in the fullness of time, but it's very confusing for now. Trouble here JOHN MOTSON | 27.03.2003 11:26:08 There's trouble here. Franks and his men clashing in mid-field with Hussein, Hussein and Hussein. It's a tough one and they're not making much progress. Poor visibility JOHN MOTSON | 26.03.2003 22:32:05 Goal: Iraq 3-2 Coalition Another own goal, but I'm damned if I can see who scored it in all this sand. All I know is none of the Husseins were anywhere near it. In fact, I can't see any of them now. It's almost as if they've gone into hiding. Little snapper STEVE IRWIN | 26.03.2003 22:12:14 Got a snake in my sleeping bag last night, what a little snapper! Tried to grab ahold of him to take a look but he wriggled off. I'll get him if he comes back. Neglected CAPTAIN ZETA JONES | 26.03.2003 16:10:51 My hair is a complete mess. None of the boys care. I feel so neglected. Possible revolt JOHN MOTSON | 26.03.2003 11:28:02 The Iraqi team seems to be ignoring what its manager, Hussein, is saying. They're running around all over the place not listening to a word he's saying. What a weird game of football! Bad weather JOHN MOTSON | 25.03.2003 10:40:44 The conditions here are absolutely atrocious. Standstorms are moving in on the players, we can't see a thing from up here. The referee may have to call off the game if things get much worse. Still don't have a clue what the score is. Confusion JOHN MOTSON | 24.03.2003 23:09:24 Goal: Iraq Umm-Err Coalition That goal I mentioned earlier has been allowed after all, but in rather odd circumstances. The Coalition has some players off injured at the moment, but some of its substitutes seem to have joined the Iraqi team. They're sitting on their bench at the moment, anyway. It's all very confusing here at the Gulf stadium, if anyone can work out the score please let me know. Cheering up STEVE IRWIN | 24.03.2003 15:48:27 Have cheered up a bit now, but I still miss Mary. Out here in the desert there's not much to do and she was good company. The guys have said sorry for blowing her up and I've forgiven them. I can't let small things like this get in the way of what I'm here to do. Bad hair day CAPTAIN ZETA JONES | 24.03.2003 11:26:37 Michael, if you're reading this, I NEED HAIRSPRAY! Can't sleep CAPTAIN ZETA JONES | 23.03.2003 23:20:14 Nothing's happening. Can't sleep on this floor. Why don't the army have proper beds like normal people do? I'm going to complain in the morning, this isn't fair. Upset STEVE IRWIN | 23.03.2003 20:10:18 Not happy. Not at all happy. One of the guys said he was "sick to death of that blasted camel" and threw a grenade at her. That's what war does to you, I suppose. Bye bye, Mary. It was nice knowing you, even if you did smell a bit. Make your mind up JOHN MOTSON | 23.03.2003 17:17:57 Still waiting for that goal decision. We're going to need a lot of extra time at this rate. Is it a goal? JOHN MOTSON | 23.03.2003 13:40:49 Hussein with the ball. We can't see that well up here in the commentary box because of all the smoke, but he's heading towards goal. He shoots... and the ball comes back out again. Hussein is claiming it was a goal, we couldn't really see that well. I think the referee, Mr Annan, is going to consult with the linesman, Mr Chirac. A bad smell STEVE IRWIN | 23.03.2003 09:34:37 Some of the guys are complaing that Mary's getting too close to the tanks. And she smells. I don't know where they get that from - she's a beaut! - but we had a talk and I've told her to keep her distance. I hope she's not offended. Another own goal JOHN MOTSON | 23.03.2003 05:46:57 Goal: Iraq 2-2 Coalition No sign of the Turkish fans leaving the pitch so I think we're going to play on. Blair with the ball, passes to Franks. Franks turns, and starts running away from the goal. He's still running. Where on earth is he going!? He's on the edge of his own box, the rest of the players just standing by and watching. He shoots! - and he scores!! Another spectacular own goal by Franks, straight over Prescott's head, he didn't have a clue what to do. What is that man on?! Hairy Mary STEVE IRWIN | 22.03.2003 20:44:31 Mary's still following us about. We came across some more Iraqis today and we had to stop and search them. Mary waited for us - what a girl! A name STEVE IRWIN | 22.03.2003 17:04:02 Have decided to call the camel Mary. Eric's a silly name for a girl, but thanks anyway James. Moody camel STEVE IRWIN | 22.03.2003 12:29:15 Think the camel may have the hump with me (ho ho). She won't look at me any more, she just looks straight past me like I'm not there. Maybe I should give her a name, that might cheer her up. Any suggestions? Sad times CAPTAIN ZETA JONES | 22.03.2003 11:03:27 The boys seem to be taking it hard that some of our guys died somewhere else. I told them to cheer up, I mean it's not like they knew them or anything. Everyone's got to die sometime. I won't tell you what they said in reply. Honestly, you try to help people... Pitch invasion JOHN MOTSON | 22.03.2003 07:26:08 Oh no. Oh, we can do without that. You might just be able to see there, at the top of your screen, a bit of a pitch invasion. I think it's probably the Turkish fans. We can really do without that in a war like this. Hopefully they'll move soon and there won't be too much of an interruption. Hairy mother STEVE IRWIN | 22.03.2003 00:24:03 Whoops! The solider I took the gunsights off took them back, he said he might need them. Doesn't matter though, 'cos when we stopped a bit back I got a closer look at the camel. She is one hairy mother! Still there STEVE IRWIN | 22.03.2003 00:11:35 I've been tracking the camel for the last few hours with some gunsights I picked up off one of the soldiers. With those teeth she might be a bit of a snapper, but she seems friendly. She's been running up and down alongside the convoy, pretty cool, eh? A camel!!! STEVE IRWIN | 21.03.2003 21:53:05 Oh wow check this out, guys, a camel! I can see her on my night vision glasses, what a beauty!!! She's just outside the camp, near that rock. No, no, the other rock. Lets keep an eye on her, see what she's up to. Rumsfeld tap-in JOHN MOTSON | 21.03.2003 18:21:31 Goal: Iraq 1-2 Coalition Free kick given after a bad tackle by Hussein. Franks to take, and oh... what a shot! Straight up front to Rumsfeld who tapped it in to the southern corner of the goal. Non-stop Coalition posession for most of the game so far. Broke a nail CAPTAIN ZETA JONES | 21.03.2003 15:19:14 They said it would be bad when I agreed to come on this trip, but I didn't know it would be this bad! Broke a nail, don't know what I'm going to do now. The boys are running around shooting and stuff, I don't think they even care what I'm going through. First contact STEVE IRWIN | 21.03.2003 12:36:19 We just got up close and personal with an Iraqi!! I'm not sure what species he was, but I'd heard they can be quite vicious. In the end he was a pussycat - he didn't even bite when I poked my hand in his mouth! I'm going to see if I can find some more of them. Franks own goal JOHN MOTSON | 21.03.2003 08:05:26 Goal: Iraq 1-1 Coalition Blair. Passes to Franks on the far side. Hussein coming up behind him, he turns and oh, what was that!? The ball went straight up in the air as if from nowhere and came crashing down into the back of Prescott's net! Hussein will want to claim that but I think it has to go down as an own goal for Franks. We're off! CAPTAIN ZETA JONES | 21.03.2003 03:46:07 Well, we're moving. On the way to god knows where. The sand's all over the place and the wind's making a total mess of my hair. Lots of really fit chaps about, but they're all really busy. Hope Michael's getting on OK with the nurses at home. Franks attacks and scores JOHN MOTSON | 21.03.2003 00:17:04 Goal: Iraq 0-1 Coalition Franks led another attack on goal a few hours ago, passing between Rumsfeld and Blair on the way, finishing with an unspectacular volley over the head of Hussein. Despite Iraqi claims of offside, the goal stands. Iraq strikes back JOHN MOTSON | 20.03.2003 15:32:42 After another poor shot by Rumsfeld went wide, Iraqi keeper Hussein belted the ball up front to Hussein. Dribbling around Short, Hussein passed to Hussein who mis-kicked the ball out over the Kuwait border for a throw-in. Pressure maintained JOHN MOTSON | 20.03.2003 09:09:57 The Coalition has had a few more shots on goal in the last few hours, the most significant of which came from Hoon. Possession has been kept by the Coalition throughout and the Iraqis have hardly got near the ball. If the pressure continues for much longer surely their defence must crack. A poor start on both sides JOHN MOTSON | 20.03.2003 01:49:41 A reasonable one-two between Rumsfeld and Franks started the game. After a bit of fancy footwork from Powell the ball came forward to Franks who had a shot on goal. It was weak, though, and easily scooped up by Iraqi keeper Hussein. The Iraqi defence has been otherwise terrible so far and will have to improve a lot if they are serious about winning. Welcome JOHN MOTSON | 20.03.2003 01:14:32 Good morning and welcome to this, the second round of the Texaco Cup, coming live to you from the Gulf. The match will be kicking off shortly after delays due to crowd trouble. In the meantime, here's the latest team news for Iraq and the Coalition.
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