Dead Brain

BREAKING NEWS: Fox News declares Conservative victory

Fox “fair and balanced” News has declared Michael Howard‘s Conservative Party the winner by a landslide in today’s election, capturing at least 640 of the 645 seats that are up for grabs. Gordon Brown is apparently the only member of the government to have held his seat, with the rest going to the Lib Dems.

With polling stations still open and voting still going on, Fox is the first news organisation to declare a winner. Their announcement was quickly followed by a similar one from Sky News, who reported the same distribution of seats.

A spokesman for BBC News, speaking on condition of anonymity, told reporters that the corporation was being more circumspect. “We don’t want Blair to win,” he said, “not after Hutton, but we have to remember who approves – or more appropriately doesn’t approve – our bids to get licence fees increased, so we have to be careful what we say.”

Media statistician Peter Snow was less circumspect. “The buggers!” he exclaimed. “I haven’t even got the Swingometer plugged in yet!”

In related news the British Apathy Party announced this morning that it would be revealing its manifesto tomorrow, or maybe the day after.