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Bush falls, hits head, declares war on U.S.

US President “Boy” George W Bush stunned the world today when, after taking a fall and bumping his head while dressed in full tank commander regalia, he got up and immediately declared war on the USA. “I have realised that we have weapons of mass destruction, so according to my doctrine of pre-emptive strikes to remove any threat I instruct US forces to attack and overcome themselves and then seek and destroy all such weapons,” he said. “We will not rest until we have freed ourselves from the threat of ourselves. Make no mistake about it – we will prevail.”

Startled White House officials quickly whisked the President away and later issued a statement saying that the he had a cold and would be cancelling his engagements for the rest of his term, adding that Secretary of Offence Donald Rumsfeld would be taking over the presidency as no-one could remember the name or whereabouts of the Vice President.

Shortly afterwards former General Alexander Haig, former advisor to former President Reagan, was seen running up Constitution Avenue in Washington in a night shirt drooling and shouting “I’m in charge”. However, other White House officials confirmed that Rumsfeld, not Haig, was in charge, and went on to deny rumours that Mr. Rumsfeld had decided to take the title Reichsmarshall. “That rumour is ridiculous,” they said. “Mr. Rumsfeld is considering a number of titles, and that’s only one of them.”