Dead Brain

Bush unwittingly replaced by monkey in suit

US Special Services fell into “frenzied disarray” yesterday following the discovery that US President George W Bush had been unwittingly replaced by a monkey in a suit.

The conspiracy was exposed yesterday upon the discovery of the real “Boy” George Bush, on a plane in Zaire, where a cleaner found him slumped on a toilet “staring intently” at a carton of orange juice concentrate. Following a positive identification, the President was quickly flown to a hospital to be treated for dehydration, fatigue and “prolonged perplexity”. Difficulties ensued when hospital staff attempted to take away the carton, at which Bush became “increasingly agitated”.

Dr Mapfaira explained: “He was looking, pointing at the carton, shouting: ‘The carton say concentrate, I must concentrate!’ He had ‘concentrate’d on it for three straight days. How do you tell the American President that it’s just talking about juice concentrate?”

Coming only days after the supposed President’s return to Washington, following his African tour, this deceit has rocked the Republican Party.

“Somebody put that carton there deliberately,” growled US Secretary of Offence Donald Rumsfeld this morning, “Li’l Dubya coulda been killed. This was a deliberate ruse to bamboozle our great leader so that he could be replaced by this sinister, Communist-lookin’ doppelganger. Somebody gonna pay! China – I’m looking at you.”

‘Bobo’ – as the monkey has been dubbed by media – is of a rare species of simian, native only to the African tropics. This particular breed bears uncanny resemblance to the Bush family with seven out of ten people unable to tell them apart.

It is now believed a switch took place in Nigeria, where the disguised Bobo – a monkey in a suit – emerged from Bush’s plane and impersonated him such that few detected a change. Bobo then boarded a different plane for Washington.

“Strictly off the record,” smiled Colin Powell slyly, “I was onto it from the start! Sure, Bobo looked enough like him, got the mannerisms – walk was perfect – but it just didn’t smirk enough. Not nearly enough. If you know baby-Bush then you know his smirk. I didn’t say anything though, I thought it was funny!”

As Bobo is flown to Guantanamo Bay for “questioning”, several international lobbies have petitioned the US administration to reinstate Bobo as President on a permanent basis. With eight out of ten developing countries preferring Bobo, Rumsfeld has warned “America [is] not laughing” and “neither will China be… soon.”