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Dead Brain

Britain closed indefinitely due to snow

Britain was closed indefinitely today as it was inundated with drift upon drift of pure white death, or “snow” as it is sometimes known. Almost all branches of Government have been affected by the freezing conditions: the Health Secretary, Alan Johnson, has contracted a cold; the Transport Secretary, Geoff “Buff” Hoon is heavily congested; and the Communities […]

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Dead Brain

Immigrant: Does the jobs you hate

Migrant Watch has today confirmed what many people already knew: immigrants are taking the jobs UK citizens are too lazy to do. The results of the latest report on immigration also include the shocking revelations that immigrant workers, “arrive at work on time”, “do overtime” and “work hard and consistently”. Douglas Ramsbottom, who manages a […]

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Dead Brain

Police deny focus of Litvinenko investigation is on James Bond films

Police investigating the death of Alexander Litvinenko have denied that they are getting all of their ideas from James Bond films. In recent days, the Met have published an e-fit of a man they are seeking to question. Tall, somewhat scary and with metal teeth, the picture bears a striking resemblance to Richard Kiel, who […]

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Dead Brain

Grateful British web users enjoy satire for first time

Billions of grateful British internet users enjoyed satire online for the first time today when writer John O’Farrell launched a spoof news website, the first of its kind in Europe. Across the UK, people ‘logged on’ to read articles of a hilarity never seen before outside a Brian Conley chat show. “What a totally unique […]

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Dead Brain

Exclusive: Blair-Brown fight blamed on stolen toy car

The latest spat between Tony Blair and Gordon Brown is the fault of the two fathers’ children, DeadBrain can reveal. This most recent round of troubles began when Mr Blair and his youngest son, Leo, visited Mr Brown and his eldest son, John, at 11 Downing Street. A bored Leo was kept occupied with one of John’s […]

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Dead Brain

Pluto reclassified from dog to dwarf

There was fury at the Disney headquarters today that one of its most famous characters, Pluto, is not in fact a dog at all. The accusation came from a leading investigator, Douglas ‘Chips’ Ramsbottom, who made secret recordings of the character singing “High ho, high ho, it’s off to work we go.” “Pluto is no […]

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Dead Brain

FIFA award England World Cup

England’s football team were dramatically handed the World Cup today after a sensational press conference was given by the sport’s governing body, FIFA. Its Swiss president, Sepp Blatter, explained to the assembled journalists that he had experienced a momentous morning reading Britain’s red-top press. In a gob-smacking announcement he then announced that the England team […]

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Dead Brain

Unveiled Dan Brown sequel : ‘The Rolf Harris Code’

Dan Brown, the cash-grabbing profiteer and alleged author, has revealed the title of his latest money-spinning novel. Like its predecessor, “The Rolf Harris Code” will again feature an improbable mix of fact and fiction that will no doubt convince yet more stupid yanks that everything Dan Brown says is true and not made up or […]

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Dead Brain

“Bogeys” to feature as Olympic sport in 2012

The IOC today announced its decision to grant Olympic status to the game of “bogeys”, made famous by the BBC’s very own cheeky chappies, Dick and Dom. With Rugby Union snubbed by officials yet again the news has caught many British Olympic Committee members off-guard, not least Lord Coe. “I’m delighted by this news,” said […]

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Dead Brain

BREAKING NEWS: Fox News declares Conservative victory

Fox “fair and balanced” News has declared Michael Howard‘s Conservative Party the winner by a landslide in today’s election, capturing at least 640 of the 645 seats that are up for grabs. Gordon Brown is apparently the only member of the government to have held his seat, with the rest going to the Lib Dems. With […]