Dead Brain

FIFA award England World Cup

England’s football team were dramatically handed the World Cup today after a sensational press conference was given by the sport’s governing body, FIFA. Its Swiss president, Sepp Blatter, explained to the assembled journalists that he had experienced a momentous morning reading Britain’s red-top press. In a gob-smacking announcement he then announced that the England team had been reinstated following the realisation that they had been the innocent victims of a Swedish sabotage plot under former manager Sven Goran Eriksson. The Swede had, according to Blatter, “deliberately undermined the team’s performance” and conspired with an Argentinean referee “probably still bitter about the Falklands” in order to get England knocked out of the tournament.

After praising the Sun’s hard-line editorial stance on immigration, Mr Blatter delivered the next gargantuan shock: all remaining semi-finalists were to be disqualified from the competition, resulting in England being awarded the cup by default.

According to Blatter, the Portugese team are “the biggest bunch of cheats that the world has ever had the misfortune to witness”, with “that pretty-boy Ronaldo” being singled-out for special criticism. The Italians meanwhile were slammed as “a group of greasy-haired bandits who I wouldn’t even buy an ice-cream from”, and the French team excluded on the grounds of being “cocky frogs”. Finally, Blatter explained that host nation Germany is to be thrown out “as the world is not sure if their participation in an international tournament of such magnitude would be a positive thing just 67 years after the outbreak of war.”

The direct influence of the Sun is notable in the fact that all above quotations from Mr Blatter appear to have been lifted from the tabloid’s editorials since England’s apparent exit against Portugal on Saturday. Football fans were organising spontaneous street parties across England as news of the ‘triumph’ filtered through.

The joyous news may also relieve some of the pressure on Manchester United and Portugal’s Official 2006 Tabloid Scapegoat, Cristiano Ronaldo. The Sun had been preparing to deliver a petition to the Home Office, requesting that, should he return to Britain, the winger be detained for 28 days in the same cell as Abu Hamza. Angry mothers had meanwhile been protesting outside the young footballer’s house after an investigation by the News of the World indicated that he had bought a holiday home in close proximity to three primary schools.