Dead Brain

GM gets go-ahead; UK to be eaten by giant plant by Monday

The UK will be devoured by a colossal “maize monster” within a week, experts revealed today. The worrying news came after the government agreed to allow genetically-modified maize to be grown by farmers. According to Professor Douglas Ramsbottom, a scientist working for the pressure group People Against Frenetic Foods, studies have shown that tampering with plants’ genetic structures can have “disastrous consequences”.

“Last summer government scientists accidentally grew a sunflower plant with three human-like heads, a rat’s tail and the wings of a chicken,” said Professor Ramsbottom. “This Frankenstein creation was left unguarded for just one moment and it escaped from the laboratory in Bootle and ran amok through the town centre, breaking shop windows, stealing candy from babies and spitting at cats. It even stole one woman’s trousers.”

“And this is just the start,” he continued. “In Sweden GM sunflowers have been caught joyriding, in Ireland GM tomatoes have become alcoholic wife beaters and in the US GM potatoes have tried to invade Mexico. There are even some reports that suggest the European Commission has been taken over by GM vegetables but I wouldn’t know about that.”

Gregory T Mullet, a world authority on scare mongering and a regular contributor to the Daily Mail, immediately agreed with Professor Ramsbottom but warned that the consequences of growing GM maize could be even more serious. “There is a lot of evidence to suggest that if we allow one GM crop in, more will come – especially when the Commie scroungers join the EU later this year,” he said. “If we open our borders to GM food then we won’t be able to close the floodgates afterwards. Britain will be overrun – nay, flooded – by GM food within days.”

Responding to Mr Mullet, Environment Secretary Margaret Beckett appealed for calm but was immediately ignored by Mr Mullet’s Daily Mail colleague, Linda Lee-Potted-Plant. “The telltale signs are here, the government has failed to hold back the tide: we are about to be invaded by an army of giant maize monsters, hell-bent on taking our jobs and destroying our way of life,” she said. “It’s time for ordinary, traditional, tax-paying British plants to head for the hills before it’s too late.”

“And let’s be clear about this: it is too late,” she added. “We are all doomed and I hope Tony Blair is satisfied with what he has inflicted on this country.”