Dead Brain

Police deny focus of Litvinenko investigation is on James Bond films

Police investigating the death of Alexander Litvinenko have denied that they are getting all of their ideas from James Bond films. In recent days, the Met have published an e-fit of a man they are seeking to question. Tall, somewhat scary and with metal teeth, the picture bears a striking resemblance to Richard Kiel, who played ‘Jaws’ in the films. Suspicions were raised when it was noticed that the lower part of the picture is covered by his autograph.

A police spokesman told DeadBrain that James Bond had not even been mentioned by officers on the case. “We have a number of promising leads, including reported sightings of a hollowed-out volcano, a man dressed as a clown carrying a jewelled egg and a car that can drive under water,” he said. “None of these came from James Bond films.”

Sources on the investigation have said that police recently ruled out the presence of an ice palace in Hackney as being connected to the case, but they are still hunting for a large white airship and a wristwatch containing a hidden laser. In a statement to the UK’s highest legislative body, GMTV, Home Secretary Dr “No” John Reid said that he intended to add the Special Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion (SPECTRE) to the list of proscribed organisations, joining the likes of the BBC, the Conservative Party and the Cannon and Ball Fan Club. “Just look at their name, they haven’t made it easy for themselves,” he said. “It’s quite obvious what they’re doing.”

The move follows the release of cricket commentator Henry Blofeld on bail pending further enquiries.