Dan Brown, the cash-grabbing profiteer and alleged author, has revealed the title of his latest money-spinning novel. Like its predecessor, “The Rolf Harris Code” will again feature an improbable mix of fact and fiction that will no doubt convince yet more stupid yanks that everything Dan Brown says is true and not made up or anything like that. At a press launch Brown’s publishers read out a brief description of the new book’s daft plot:
While in Woking on business, Robert Langdon, who has a specially invented degree in cartoonology, receives another urgent late-night phone call: the elderly curator of the local tractor museum has been brutally killed to death. Near the body the local rozzers discover a baffling cipher, although not so baffling that Langdon isn’t able to solve it within a few minutes. Solving the wildly-ridiculous riddle, Langdon discovers that it leads to a trail of clues hidden in the works of Rolf Harris – clues visible for all to see if either you have a vivid imagination or you’ve just popped a couple of acid tabs. Langdon then joins forces with an impossibly beautiful English cryptologist (to be played by Kathy Burke in the movie) and learns that the late curator was involved with the Priory of Dion – a secret society obsessed with a French-Canadian songstress called ‘Celine’, and whose members included Screaming Lord Such, Liberace, Justin Fashanu, and Australian wobble-board exponent, Rolf Harris.
Conspiracy theorists were quick to assimilate the new novel’s themes. “I’ve always believed Rolf’s work contained hidden meanings,” said one of the saddos. “If you look closely at his masterpiece ‘Sylvester the Cat and Tweety Pie’ you can definitely see encoded references to the location of Jesus Christ’s descendants.”
“I’m not happy about this at all,” said a resident of Woking who can’t be named because he couldn’t remember. “Now we’ll get coach-loads of dumb Americans walking round our tractor museum.”
The Rolf Harris Code will be on sale in every single bookshop in the whole world from July but you’ll probably just be able to read it over someone else’s shoulder on the train.